


Mocha Latte Conversations

by Xaiya_L



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: F/F, Sex Work, Slice of Life, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-06-18 12:29:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 24,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15485754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xaiya_L/pseuds/Xaiya_L
Summary: Two women, unable to communicate the full extent of their lives to each other, begin falling in love amidst the city of Brockton Bay. Set before canon.





	1. Chapter 1

“Decaf mocha for Lexi?”

This was why my fic was completely stalled. No. That was a stupid thought. I was a stupid thought. Why would I ever even think of that as a good idea?

“Miss?” a voice said.

There was absolutely no reason for Kristin to just forgive Jordan like that. I was gonna have to rethink this whole dang chapter. Maybe even the—

“Miss?” the voice said again. I looked up, at the barista giving me an odd look, a cup in hand.

Oh.

“Sorry,” I muttered, walking over to take the drink. Decaf mocha with a heaping gob of whipped cream. All a girl needed in life. “Sorry!” I said, sheepishly leaving the cafe, clutching the sacred beverage and ignoring the other glaring customers. A sharp wind hit me as I left, blowing snow and misery into my face. Tears formed in my eyes, already beginning to freeze.

Dangit. Brockton was never this cold. Why did it have to be so cold?

Thankfully the library sat directly across the street. After looking both ways I ran across, taking care not to jostle the cup of warmth too much. If only the library here sold the coffee across from it. Their coffee tasted like ass. And not the properly cleaned kind.

Blissful heat and the scent of books welcomed me into the building. The person at the desk, an older lady with the thickest pair of glasses I ever saw, waved at me as usual. I waved back, once again feeling bad for forgetting her name every time I heard it. My legs ached for me to sit as I headed for the tables.

The unusual cold brought more people in than was normal for this time of day. Homeless, seeking temporary respite. Only some carried books in hand. A few students sat clustered around a table, a mess of books, papers, and mechanical pencils scattered in front of them. None of the tables were empty. A massive, scary problem. Either I could turn around, or I could ask someone if it was okay for me to join them. Neither of those options were attractive. Which was worse, walking back through the snow, or talking to a complete stranger and possibly look like an idiot?

Fuck it. I’d look like an idiot if it meant not going back into the cold. I approached a table where a lone girl sat, drinking from a styrofoam cup. Judging by her grimace, it must’ve been library coffee.

“Excuse me. Is it okay if I sit here?” I asked quietly. If only there was an empty table somewhere, and I wouldn't have to ask. She might say no, and I'd have to walk out of the library in shame _anyway_. Where the heck would I do my homework? Home? My roommates were probably fucking right about—

“Sure,” the girl said, cutting off my thoughts.

Oh. Good. I set down my backpack and sank into the seat across from her with a sigh. A sip of my mocha, rich chocolatey goodness soaking in. I leaned back, eyes resting for one soothing second.

“You have whipped cream on your nose,” the girl across from me said, giggling.

My eyes opened sluggishly, and our gazes met. Cute blue-green eyes, like the sea on a bright summer day. Dark-brown hair curled up around her face. I looked down, not wanting to appear as if I was staring. That’s right, she said something. Yet here I was, ignoring her, but it had already been several seconds since she said anything. It’d be too weird to respond now.

I reached into my backpack, pulling out the money brick they called a textbook, along with my terribly organized binder. Just focus on homework, girl. Another sip of my mocha, and I felt a spot of cream on my nose. I wiped it off as I opened the textbook. Paper out, my mind filling with the fun world of proofs.

I spared a glance towards the girl, her eyes darting, face deep in her book. Her thumb covered the title, but I recognized it in a series written by Ilse Krouse. A newer author, I'd heard. Friends in my circle often recommended her works, but I never got around to reading them.

Deep breath, clear mind. Pencil in hand, hand to paper. Eyes down, to the textbook. Read, write. Calculate, write. Sip. Rinse, repeat.

Dang, Jordan was not going to have a great time. Lost their mission, their friend. At least they have Hannah.

I shook my head. Stupid brain. Why couldn't you focus? My cup was already half empty, I realized. Half a cup to finish this damn homework. The paper steadily filled up with the exercises, the task feeling less daunting with every line. My drink had cooled somewhat, a shake revealing it to be about a quarter full. One more exercise was left.

Hannah might not be so happy about that. She's friends with both of them.

Ah! Come on, brain. Focus!

I grudgingly worked through the last exercise, taking the final sip of my mocha in triumph. A yawn escaped from me as I stretched, and I spared a glance up only to find the girl had left. A stranger, probably one whom I'd never see again.

As I set my schoolwork back into my backpack, I mentally shrugged. After a pause, I pulled out my phone to check the time. Six twenty-five. My whole body slumped. No time for writing, I took too long with everything today.

A harsh, cold wind bit into me as I exited. At least my apartment was only a couple blocks away. It was dark already, and I found myself gripping the pepper spray in my pocket to ease my worries. It wasn’t a particularly bad part of town, even if it was uncomfortably close to Empire territory. Still, I worried. I worried about basically everything.

Shit, was my homework actually good? What if I completely learned everything wrong? I shook my head. Stupid brain. Despite my ever-present worrying, I made it to the apartment building without trouble. I rushed up the stairs, keys in hand, eager to get indoors again. I nearly collided with Josh in my haste.

“Whoa. Hey Alexis,” he said, chuckling.

“Lexi, hey!” Malina said from behind him, sporting a new outfit. Black shirt ripped at the sleeves, jeans with far too many holes in them. A hat with a skull sat on her light-blonde hair. Seemed she was going for a new style. “We're going to the movies! Wanna come with?”

Sam waved at me from Malina's side. Silent as always. She was wearing one of Malina's shirts, one I used to love seeing on her. A forest-like green with swirly patterns that slid off one of her shoulders. Knowing without a glance that just the tiniest amount of tummy was exposed, I looked away.

“Sorry, I have work to do.” I’d be an awkward fourth wheel, anyway.

“Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt _that_.” She winked. “Have fun!”

I rolled my eyes. She always had more fun with the job than I did. “Sure. You too.”

I hated to think it, but I was glad I wouldn't have to deal with them tonight. Finally some damn peace and quiet, even if I'd be wasting much of it sticking things up my ass for the sake of having gross boys throw dollars through the internet at me. It used to be thrilling. Sharing my body like that. Feeling _sexy_. The confidence I didn’t have for the first two decades of my life oozing out of every picture and every video. Now it was just a job.

The door opened with a creak, reminding me for the hundredth time that we needed to oil the hinges. I walked into the mess masquerading as a home. Around the random clothing, around the couch smelling suspiciously like lube, around the table stacked with boardgames which had been in that exact space for the past year. Around the plate of a half-eaten hot pocket. Josh again, obviously. As nice as he was, no good person just callously wasted food every freaking day. Okay, so that was a bit harsh, but it really, _really_ bothered me.

I picked up a bra. Wasn’t this mine? Could've been, once. Sam and I were the same size, so we'd always traded clothes back when I was her and Mal’s girlfriend. Probably smelled like boy with those two rubbing themselves up against Josh all the time. Yick. I dropped the bra in disgust and headed for the kitchen.

It was the one place kept clean in the entire apartment. Never shit where the food comes from, I would always try to tell them. Kept telling them, so it’d continue to stick. Hoping they didn't eat my left-overs, I opened the fridge. I found the container of creamy potato soup right where I hid it, behind the tub of homemade salsa that was probably getting old. Thank fucking god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to OpArrow and Kittius for picking over my work!


	2. Chapter 2

The chill seeped into my skin despite my layers. The day was technically warmer than yesterday, in the sense that solid nitrogen was technically warmer than absolute zero. Sunlight filtered through overcast skies. Begging to be let down to heat up this miserable city, the clouds denying the sun again and again. It would be so easy to break my habit and return straight away to the apartment.

The chill air admittedly helped crystalize my thoughts. My mind drifted to my story. Jordan wasn’t getting out of the situation I put him in anytime soon. How would he?

The library was just a block away. Soon I’d have a cup of chocolatey warmth in hand, and a sexless environment to finish up my schoolwork.

Kristen was gonna get knocked out. Poor girl. Her and Jordan were really in a mess.

“Oh, hi!” a girl said, stirring me out of my thoughts. My gaze met green-blue eyes. “Sorry if this is weird, but I wanted to say I liked your hair yesterday. The purple streak is really cool! But, uh, didn't want to be overly loud in the library?”

I paused for a moment, wracking my brain. She was the girl I sat across from! “Oh, uh, thanks.” My face felt a little warm despite the chill.

“I'm Ana, by the way. I was just heading to the library,” Ana said, looking away. “Just figured I’d let you know,” she said, her voice getting quieter.

I felt like I should respond. “Alexis,” I said. “That's my name, I mean. Do you drink coffee?”

“Yes! I drink it often!”

“The library coffee is awful, isn't it?” I said, smiling.

Ana grimaced. “Ugh. Worst crap I ever tasted. And I grew up with a sibling who liked to cook meat to extra well done.”

“There's an amazing coffee shop just over here,” I said, pointing at the cafe. “Right across the library. So much better.”

“Isn't it kinda rude to bring coffee into it when they're trying to sell?”

“Nah,” I said, shrugging. “Even the staff go across. I wouldn't worry about it too much.”

Ana sighed in relief. “Whew. Don't think I could've stood to drink a second cup of... whatever it really was.”

“Well come on then. We can go together,” I said, walking towards the cafe with her by my side.

It was silent. Oh jeez, was she okay with silent? I would have to say something just in case. “What were you reading yesterday, by the way?” I asked.

“The Fallen Leaves by Ilse Krouse. It's pretty neat. Have you read her work, by any chance?”

“Nah, but my friends keep recommending her.”

“You should totally read it! Well, better start with Decisions by Sunset. It's probably the best introduction to her works.”

“Maybe I will,” I said, smiling.

I opened the door to the cafe, holding it open for Ana.

“Oh, thank you,” she said walking inside. “So are you a student? Thought I saw a textbook.”

“Yeah,” I said, following her into the warm, lovely scented cafe. “Steadily working my way through my computer science major.”

“Neat. I thought about going for college, once.”

“Why didn't you?”

“Stumbled onto a different career path,” she said, stepping up to the counter.

“Hello,” the barista said tiredly. “How can I help you today?”

“Caramel mocha latte, please. With extra whip cream,” Ana said.

Yes! Another girl who knew that whipped cream was the secret to any good coffee!

“Sure thing. For you, ma'am?”

“Dark chocolate decaf mocha with whipped cream, please,” I said. Happiness awaited.

“No problem,” she said, yawning.

My eyes followed Ana as she walked over to a nearby table, shaking off her jacket in the process. Underneath it she wore a dark-gray t-shirt with a strange little robot, the word ‘ _Exterminate_ ’ shown prominently. Oddly familiar. I walked over, taking a seat to wait for the order.

“This might be a weird question, but do you do anything… creative?” Ana asked.

“I'm actually really into writing.”

“That's pretty cool! Have you published anything?”

“Not yet,” I said nervously. Hopefully she didn’t have anything against fanfiction. “Sorta working my way there.”

“I've never been able to write more than an incoherent mess. I wish I could have words to my art.”

“Really? What kind of artwork? Can I see?” I said, excitedly. I always felt a teensy bit envious of those who could make their image in mind a reality.

“Sure!” she said. I could almost swear her eyes twinkled. “I can pull it up on my phone.”

After a short pause, she held up her phone. A pair of women on swings under the sparkling night sky. Hands interlocked, faces beaming.

“That's...” I glanced up. Ana had a slight tinge of red on her face. “Amazing!”

“You really think so?” she said.

“Yeah!” Helped that it seemed really freaking gay. Could she possibly...? “I could easily see something like this being on the cover of a book.”

“Jeez, I—”

“Caramel mocha?” a barista interrupted.

“Ah, finally. Time to see what this so-called amazing coffee is like,” Ana said, taking her drink. It’d be super awkward if she didn’t like this place after I recommended it. Oh gosh. I could only watch as she made her way back over, taking a sip. “Oh wow. This is pretty good. It isn’t horrifyingly sweet, either.”

Yes! “Told you.”

“I might just stay in here. I don’t really want to go back into the cold.”

“Library is a bit quieter, usually. And it’s right across the street. I made a habit of doing my homework there.”

“Dark chocolate mocha?” the barista called out again.

“Oh, yes!” I said, hurrying to grab my drink and come back. “So how long have you been drawing?”

“Not sure. I started drawing when I was young. Stopped at times, but I always picked it back up.” Ana looked up to gaze at the ceiling. “On and off, really. In my worst moments I always found it to be a comfort.” She glanced at me, her face red. “Sorry, might have gotten a little personal there.”

“Oh, no,” I said. God only knew if I’d be here without writing. “Don't be. I think that's really cool.”

“Well... what about you? How long have you been writing?”

I smiled. “Well…”

The words between us flowed like water. Art, music, topics so small and yet so big, even as other customers came and went, and our respective coffees long having emptied. I felt like I rambled too much about my interests and laughed a little too hard, but never once did Ana seem irritated or distant. It was… comforting. She didn’t drain me like other people did.

A harsh ringtone interrupted us.

“Shit,” Ana said, digging through her purse. She pulled out a phone, different from the one she showed me earlier. Two phones? “Hello? Yes? Dammit. Alright, I'll be right over.”

“What's that about?” I asked.

“Uh...” she paused. “Work. Sorry,” Ana said, standing up. “I really gotta go. It was really nice talking.”

“Wait,” I said before she could get too far. “Umm, give me a moment.”

Reaching into my backpack, I pulled out a notebook and pen, tearing off a piece of paper and writing out my number.

“Here,” I said, holding the paper up. “I, umm. Maybe we could do this again sometime?”

“Oh, I...” Ana looked at me with eyes opened wide, a slight flush in her cheeks. “Yeah! I'd love to. I just. I really gotta go, I'll text you later.”

“Alright. See ya,” I said as she took the paper and walked away, giving me a small wave as she went through the door. “Fuck.” I just managed to give a cute girl my number _in real life._

I glanced at my empty cup. Was I reading too much into things? The gay art. The odd blush. If I was right, if this went any farther? I'd have to come out to her. I’d so much rather not do that. Not in this town, when reactions were so uncertain.

“I was gonna write today,” I muttered. Talking to myself, the birth child of stress, sleep deprivation, and the lingering effects of suppressing anxiety. My eyes widened as I checked the time. Half past seven. One hell of a long first conversation.

Well. I’d better hurry up with the homework.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The words in front of me existed. I knew this because I typed them. So then, the words should be readable. My eyes darted left and right, left and right. Skipping over the words without understanding. I leaned back to stare at the ceiling.

“Food,” I said towards the ceiling, as if it would magically appear on its own. It would be a great excuse to stop being productive. If only I could eat food without needing actual effort to acquire it.

My options were to either stare at the words that might or might not have been an essay, do heck all and watch random videos until I hated myself even more, or actually get up and make something resembling food. With a heavy sigh, I forced myself out of my chair and set out to option three.

The kitchen lacked most low-effort foods, a consequence of four busy young people living together. Ramen was the easiest option by far, but I’d already eaten it yesterday. Couldn’t live off of ramen like some stereotypical college student. Besides, we were out of eggs, and ramen was below tolerable without it.

Macaroni noodles with store-bought marinara sauce and colby jack cheese it would be. Salted to the horrifying degree that only someone on Spironolactone could tolerate. Truly, a dish that would get me hired on the spot at any rich snob restaurant. The first step: Take a pot of water and place it on the stove. Step two: Try not to stare at the pot of water. It wouldn’t boil any faster.

I curled up on the couch, allowing my eyes to close for a few moments. Peace lasted for maybe a single moment. Giggles sounded through the walls from the other bedroom. It was time for the guessing game: Memes or sex. The door opened for a brief moment, letting out the subtler sounds I was very much not interested in hearing, before it closed again.

“Lexi?”

I opened my eyes and looked up. Mal was standing beside me, dressed in sleepwear, her hair sticking at odd angles. She scratched her neck, head tilted to the side. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah. Just waiting for water to boil,” I said, the last word punctuated with a yawn.

“Uh, the water was boiling a while ago.”

“Shit.” I jerked up.

Mal set a hand on my shoulder. “Whoa, hey, it’s cool. I put some macaroni in. That’s what you were making, right?”

I plopped back down. “Thanks. And yeah.”

Mal sat beside me, hugging her knees to her chest. “So. You good? We haven’t really talked much since…” She trailed off.

“Since I broke up with you?” I said, the words feeling like acid in my mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“You always say that.” Hazel eyes met my own.

“Sorry,” I said automatically.

“And you always say that when I point it out.” Mal sighed. I resisted the urge to apologize again. “Now, for real, it’s awkward to ask again. You doing okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, and it was actually true. A novelty. “I’m just tired.” An age old excuse. “And stressed.” Easy words to crank out. “And I might have gotten a little distracted today when I should’ve been doing homework.”

“Distracted? Do tell.”

Would it be weird to talk to my ex about a girl I might have a slight crush on, even if I mostly just wanted to be her friend? Oh God, it definitely would be weird. Right? Or was that incessant worry turning a bunch of random pebbles into a boulder for me to climb?

“I…” How should this be phrased? “I made a new friend. Met her at the library. Well, we didn’t actually talk at the library, but we saw each other the next day and we sorta talked. By sorta, I mean a lot. I mean, haha, a lot sounds extreme. We just talked. A conversation. Over coffee.” Great. Perfectly succinct. Excellent attention to detail. My cheeks were definitely not heating up with how well I put that statement together.

“So let me get this straight, since you know I struggle with that.” Mal smirked. I rolled my eyes. “You met a real stranger out there in the real world. And you made a friend out of them. Someone you never talked to. And this someone wasn’t from school.”

I hid my face away. “What’s your point?”

“Not making one. Just admiring how rare an occasion this is.”

“You’re a cunt,” I said.

“Gotta compensate somehow for the lack of one.”

Once again, I found myself rolling my eyes. “So, what’re you doing out here while Sam and Josh are mashing the privates?”

“Hey! No changing subjects. So what’s up with your new friend? Is she cute?”

“Why does that matter?” I muttered.

“Because you’re my friend and I wanna see you happy?”

“We only had one conversation. Doesn’t mean anything. Plus, you know, even if she’s gay…” Neither of us needed nor wanted to elaborate.

“Yeah.”

“I dunno. There’s too much going on as it is. I don’t think I have the spoons for a relationship right now, even by the slimmest chance of it being possible.”

Mal shrugged. “Well, don’t just write it off either, okay? Just do what feels right.”

I leaned into her shoulder. “Maybe.” Even if her words were little more than vague feel-good nonsense, I could feel the sentiment behind it.

“No maybes. Only yesses.”

“Maybe,” I repeated with a grin.

The timer beeped, cutting into my senses. “I’ll get it,” Mal said, leaving my head to fall into the cushions as she stood.

Directions were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. She’d prepare it in some way, and I would eat it. I couldn’t really bring myself to do anything but to look at the pattern on the couch, and think about that pattern in dozens of nonsensical scenarios.

“Hey,” Mal said, punctuating the greeting with the clink of a plate on the coffee table.

I stabbed into the macaroni with a fork. Strings of cheese followed as I lifted. It was over-salted. The store-bought sauce and pre-packaged shredded cheese melded well enough. It was gooey, and a little too chewy—the macaroni was a tad overcooked.

“Thank you,” I remembered to say.

Mal took a bite of her own. “That’s how you wanted it, right?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“That’s good,” Mal said, leaning into my shoulder. “This isn’t weird, is it? I’ve never been good at figuring out boundaries.”

“You’re fine.” I took a few more bites of macaroni. “How’ve you been?”

“Tired. Starting to regret taking this job.”

“Why’s that?”

“Too tired for sex,” Mal grumbled.

I laughed. “That’s a new one.”

“Oh hush.”

We didn’t talk after that. I rested my eyes, feeling the warmth of my friend by my side. The clink of forks hitting plates, and the muted giggling from another room were the only sounds. Sitting there, not really existing for a few moments, until finally I had to get back to my homework.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to OpArrow and Skyrunner for looking over and assuring me that it wasn't awful! :O


	4. Chapter 4

“Sorry I’m late!” Ana said as she sunk into the booth across from me, breathing heavily. Her hair was a mess. She must have sprinted here.

“It’s okay,” I lied. Twenty minutes? Sheesh. “What happened?”

“Work. There was an emergency… meeting. I couldn’t get out of it.”

The frustration I felt melted into guilt. Of course she’d have a good reason for making me wait, wondering if I’d been stood up. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I said, sipping on my second glass of cherry coke.

“Not really. Honestly? I haven’t eaten all day,” Ana grumbled.

“Right,” I said. I waved at a nearby waitress. “Luckily it isn’t too busy.”

Awkward silence. None of the seemingly magical flowing conversation we had two days ago. It felt as though I’d gotten a mocha latte after a long wait in line, only for the coffee to taste burnt, the chocolate too sweet, with bits of coffee grounds floating around.

Our waitress was finally able to make her way over. “I’m so glad to see your friend arrived,” she said cheerfully before turning to Ana. “Can I get you something to drink to start out with?”

“Just water. Is it okay if I order food now?”

“No problem. What can we get for you?”

“I’d like the chicken alfredo, please,” Ana said.

“Oki doki. And for you?”

Shoot. I’d been planning on ordering that. It’d be weird if I ordered it too, but I didn’t have time to pick another! “I’ll have the same.”

“Alright! It’ll be out shortly. Just let me know if you need anything else,” she said before leaving.

Ana ran her hands up across her face, mumbled something incomprehensible.

“Did you say something?” I asked.

“Huh?” Ana looked back up at me. Her eyes drooped, like she was doing all she could to stay awake. “I’m such a mess.”

“Sorry,” I said automatically.

“No, _I’m_ sorry. I completely fucked this up.”

Here I was feeling irritated for something that wasn’t her fault. “Are you okay?”

There was a pause. “I think I just need to eat and I’ll be fine. Sorry you had to see this.”

“Work’s that rough, huh?” I guessed.

“That’s one way to put it.”

“Mind if I ask what you do?”

“I, uh,” she paused. “I work at the PRT headquarters downtown.”

My eyes widened. “Wow. The PRT? That’s amazing!” Working for the PRT was the dream of anyone going into government work. Other students blathered on and on about it enough that I knew that much. Benefits were unmatched. Their internships were actually paid decently, and all but guaranteed a place with the PRT later, but were fiercely competitive. There was only the small caveat that being near capes brought trouble. Because really, capes were nothing _but_ trouble.

Ana shrugged, casually. “It’s a thing.”

I sputtered. “That’s more than a thing!”

“So what do _you_ do for a living?” Ana asked, way too quickly. “Or are you just a student?”

Oh. Fuck. Of course she’d ask me in turn. “I wish. I’ve got bills to pay. I do, uh, online stuff.” Wonderful, Alexis. Why don’t you just open up about the sheer number of people who’ve seen your boobs.

“That’s oddly vague,” Ana said, raising an eyebrow.

“I stream stuff?”

“Oh! Like games and shit? I watch streams sometimes. Maybe I’ll look you up sometime?”

I could feel my face heating up. _Please don’t look me up._ Not that she could easily. I took steps to separate my IRL life and cam girl life. In an effort to hide my face, I took a long sip of my drink.

“You’re pretty cute when you’re flustered.”

Wha—! Soda swirled down the wrong pipe, and I nearly spilled my drink while setting it down. I fell into a coughing fit, all hope of composure lost.

“You okay?” Ana asked. She was _smirking_ , her eyes lit with newly found energy.

“Just—” _Cough._ “—went down the wrong tube.”

“Hey,” she spoke up when my coughing stopped. “Wanna see a portrait I just finished?”

“Sure!” Would it be as gay as the last one?

“Here you go,” she said, passing over her phone. “I meant to bring my tablet so I could show you with a bigger screen, but I forgot it.”

A short-haired girl in a yellow sundress, her legs dangling off the side of a bridge. She was grasping the rail. Her face seemed contemplative. There was tattoo of two interlocking venus symbols just below her left shoulder.

“It was for a commission,” Ana said. “I don’t really _need_ to do them, but I like drawing for people. I like knowing that somewhere out there is someone who liked my art enough to spend money.”

“Wow. I think I might commission from you at some point,” I said. If I ever had the money. “I like her tattoo.”

Ana laughed. “One of her requests was to make the girl obviously gay. I figured that’d be a good way of showing it.”

“I’m getting some sapphic vibes, alright. And not just from the tattoo.”

“Is that so?” Ana grinned. “I guess I succeeded pretty well with this work.”

It felt as though we were in an intertwined dance where we never touched. Shifting and twirling around a center point. Reaching out, yet never crossing. The question sat there, unsaid. I could be right. I could also be so, so entirely wrong.

But if I was right? I’d wind up having to expose parts of myself, sooner or later, that I didn’t want seen. My heart thumped, an icy fear taking hold. I’d be better off stepping away, away from this potential dance. For my sake.

“Do you happen to post your writing anywhere, by any chance?” Ana asked, shaking me from my thoughts. “I’d love to read it.”

Oh gosh! Another potential reader, this time _in person_!

“I’ve got a few ongoing fanfics. I’m not really all that good at sticking to just one project,” I said, shrugging. “They aren’t all that great. You sure you want to see?” Say yes. Even if this was scary as heck.

“You looked at _my_ art. I’ll take a look.”

I pulled out my phone, getting a quick address to copy paste into a text. “There you go.”

“A lot of f-slash-f tags,” Ana said, eyes glued to her phone.

“Yeah…”

“One-shot about Alexandria finding herself to be a trans man and dating Eidolon?” Ana raised an eyebrow.

“It was for a story prompt?” I said quietly. I’d _forgotten_ about that.

“Lots of queer themes.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Yeah?”

“I think we might be trying to lead into something,” I finally said.

“Maybe.”

“Probably?”

“It’s weird to just ask!”

Someone had to do it. I looked around the area for anyone who might seem like a nazi. “Are you… straight?”

Ana gave me a funny look. “No.”

“Cool. Me neither.”

“Okay.”

“...”

“Oh, the food!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Skyrunner for looking over my words. :sharkhi:


	5. Chapter 5

“You didn’t have to pay for my food too,” I said, a touch embarrassed, though my bank account sure was thanking her.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got more savings than I know what to do with. I owe you after making you wait, anyway.”

I wondered what it would be like to have that problem. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious.“Well, thank you. I still feel awkward, though.”

“You’re fine.” Her smile lit up my own. “Seriously. Don’t even worry about it.”

“So, I guess I’ll see you another time?”

“Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go to a bar by any chance?”

Oh. “Umm, isn’t it a little early to be drinking?”

Ana shrugged. “It’s dark. Good enough.”

“It’s winter. Of course it’s dark by now,” I said flatly. I really didn’t want to go drinking. “But sure, I guess.” Apparently, though, I couldn’t just say no to her all that easily.

“Great! There’s one just around the corner.” Ana pointed.

“I think I’ve seen that one before. Seems kinda seedy to me.”

“That’s where you get the best drinks from.” Ana grinned. “Besides, no one’s gonna mess with this six-foot-two woman.”

“You are _really_ tall,” I said.

“That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

“Not at all. Tall girls are the best.”

“Good answer.”

The entrance to the bar appeared just as shady as I remembered. The flickering neon sign said _Accel_. Inside was dim. A few patrons were sitting around, sounding their presence with the clinking of glasses. A man stood behind the bar, wiping a beer glass with a cloth. He shot us a smile that was surprisingly genuine for a guy.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick,” Ana said to me in a low voice.

I did not want to be left alone here. “Me too,” I said, even though I didn’t need to go.

The bathroom was better lit than the rest of the bar. It smelled faintly of roses. The stalls were scratched up and written on, but I didn’t see a speck of dirt.

“Oh cool. We got lucky. You know a place is good when its bathrooms are clean,” Ana said. “Surprisingly well ventilated too for such a shit city. Uh, no offense.”

“None taken.” No sane person who lived in Brockton Bay would ever claim it wasn’t a shithole. “Do you usually check?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Only when the place is a little spooky. Doesn’t hurt to look”

Ana made a beeline for the bar the moment we left. The bartender shot us another smile as we sat down. “Evenin’ ladies. What can I get for you?”

Didn’t even ask for our IDs. Any relief I got from seeing the bathroom withered away.

“I’ll take whisky and coke, please,” Ana said.

I tuned out the rest of the conversation, instead admiring the pattern on the glossy faux-wood bar. There was even a part that was sort-of shaped like a cat, if the cat moonlighted as a demonic abomination. My head jerked up as someone poked my shoulder.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t hear?” I said.

“Wakey, wakey, girl,” Ana said.

“What can I get for you, ma’am?” the bartender asked.

“Umm.” I hardly wanted to admit that I, as a twenty-three year old college student, had never gone to a bar. I’d liked to think that spending money on mocha lattes was better financially than getting wasted all the time. Which still didn’t help me now, in this moment.

“You okay, Alexis?” Ana asked.

“Yup. Just bad at choosing.” I laughed. “To be honest, I don’t know if I should be drinking at all.”

“Aw, that’s no fun.”

I frowned. Fine then. “I’ll just have what she’s having, then.”

“I’ve gotta tell my team about this place,” Ana said.

“Your team?” I couldn’t help but notice her glass was _already_ empty.

“Yeah. PRT has different teams in all the departments, working together.”

“Here you go ma’am,” the bartender said, setting down my drink. I took a sip and winced. The drink could only be described as coke with a tinge of nauseating disgust. It burned going down.

“Another, please?” Ana said.

“What’s it like, working with the PRT, anyway?” I asked.

“I’ve sorta said about as much as I can. It’s hard to keep track of what’s okay to say and what’s not okay to say.”

Well, there went that potential conversation. I took another sip. Shifting my head was already starting to feel like swimming. Another sip. It was starting to go down easier. I overheard Ana asking for another. I wasn’t sure if that was worryingly soon, or if my sense of time was just messed up.

“That’s better.” Ana sighed. “I swear, it takes starting my third drink to even feel a buzz nowadays.”

My face heated up on the thought that it took me three _sips_ to feel buzzed. “Do you do this a lot?” Wow, Alexis. Way to sound accusing.

“Used to be more. I cut it to once a week. Figured today was a good a day as any.”

“Uh huh.” I took a few more sips.

“Okay, watching you is making me feel like an alcoholic,” Ana said.

“I just… I, umm, I d-drink _really_ slowly,” I stammered. Wow, everything was so swimmy!

Ana tilted her head. “That’s your first, right?”

“Yup!” I pointed my first in the air.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Ana finished her drink. “This isn’t your first drink ever, is it? Because I’ve _seen_ light weights before, and you just might be the worst.”

“No-ope! I’ve had a bunch of drinks. Like… like… like stuff! Every once in a while. Yeah. Hey, this is almost tolerable now.” I tried to take a sip, only to meet nothing but nice. “Awww.”

“Uh, Alexis?”

“I need to pee.” I started to stand up, but oh wow the ground was moving. Hands met my own, holding me in place.

“Jesus. You’re actually, seriously drunk.”

“You’re holding my haaaands.” I laughed.

“I’m trying to stop you from falling over,” Ana said flatly.

“I won’t fall oh-ver! I’m a strong s-steady woman and I got all the balance in the world. I’m just tip-sy, promise.”

Ana let me go, and for the record, I did _not_ fall over. I, instead, marched my skinny ass to the bathroom, giving the wall a couple pets on the way, did my business, and made it back to Ana. All by myself. Independant. Clearly _not_ drunk.

“Ta-da!” I said to Ana.

“Okay, I’m taking you home,” Ana said.

I wiggled my eyebrows. “Lookin’ to get outta here, huh?”

Ana facepalmed. “Great. A horny drunk.”

“Excuse you! All I want are cuddles.”

Ana took my wrist and dragged me away. “Come on.”

“But what if I don’t want to go?” Going sounded nice. Leading to a nice, secluded place, where I could curl up and fall asleep. But it was fun to argue.

Ana rolled her eyes and picked me up. “Whoa,” I said. This close, I realized that she smelled like strawberries. I closed my eyes, snuggling into her hold.

“Huh.” Ana started walking. “Most people squirm when I pick them up.”

“You smell good.”

Ana didn’t respond, and I felt my mind drift in weird ways. It wasn’t quite sleep, but it wasn’t quiet wakefulness. A limbo, where I heard things and pictured other scenes.

“I don’t know where you actually live,” Ana said.

“Oh. It’s actually close by. Sorta why I recommended that restaurant.”

“Ah, convenient. I thought I’d have to order a taxi.”

“The,” I yawned. “The taxis rip you off here.”

“Meh,” Ana said. As if money wasn’t something you had to fight tooth and nail for every scrap. Or, in my case, jerk it for every scrap.

Ana walked for a ways, led by my directions. We didn’t talk, so I listened to her breathing. I could hear the strain the longer she carried me, but darn it I was too comfortable.

My guilt won in the end, however. “I think I can walk,” I finally said.

Ana set me down. I held onto her arm and looked up to her face, framed by the harsh street lighting. She was a goddess, with her striking eyes, beautiful smile, and strong, enduring arms. In my mind’s eyes I saw her wearing armor, and wielding a massive greatsword which could slice through nazis with ease.

“Umm,” Ana said, and I realized how close I’d gotten to her.

“I…” What was I doing. “I’m sorry.” I stepped away. Stumbled away. I couldn’t. Even if she liked me, I had to tell her things. Open myself. Out myself. And that could go very, very bad.

“It’s fine,” Ana said. I wasn’t sure it was fine. “You’re intoxicated. We’ll just share a laugh later?”

I laughed, shoved my personal details into a box, and slid the box out of sight. Ana was just a friend. She didn’t need to know. We continued walking, I continued leaning on her, and the apartment was in front of me before I even realized.

“I guess this is it,” I said. “Just up these stairs.”

“Let me get you to your door, at least,” Ana said. She shifted her arm from my grasp and wrapped it around my waist, firmly holding my side. _That_ tensed me up. The barest of touches, even though winter coats. It sent shivers throughout my body.

We walked up the rest of the stairs. I was biting my lip, resisting the impulse thoughts streaming through my mind. No, just kissing her was a bad idea. “I guess this is where I leave you?” Ana asked.

“Yeah,” I said. Maybe I should tell her now so I didn’t have to worry so much. Would be a great way to be murdered.

“We should do this again sometime,” Ana said.

“What, watch you down three drinks before I finish one, and you’re somehow still more balanced than me?” I leaned into her again.

“Maybe minus the drinking.” Ana grinned. “You really are a lightweight.”

“Yeah,” I groaned. “I became worse after I st—” I slammed my palm onto my lips hard enough to make a sound. Dammit.

“Uh, hey? Are you okay?” Ana said.

A series of possible phrases came to mind. I wanted to say them all. I wanted to say none of them, ever. So equally exciting and horrifying. Embarrassing and relieving. Open possibilities either wonderful or terrible.

“I like you,” I finally said. Then I turned, and tried to twist the door-knob, but it was locked. Of course it was locked. I should’ve grabbed my keys _before_ saying that.

“I kinda figured,” Ana said. Ouch. I couldn’t figure out her tone.

I stared at the door. It was a really shitty door, honestly. Cracking paint, yellow of a shade reminding me of peeing while dehydrated. For all I knew, it _had_ been pissed on. “I’m drunk and dumb.”

“You finally admitted it,” Ana laughed.

I turned around. “That I like you?”

“Umm.” Was I imagining things, or was Ana’s face pinker than before? “That you’re drunk.”

“Oh.”

Ana ran a hand through her hair. “The umm, the other thing, the feelings may have some parallels to them.”

“The… what?” Four-oh-four. Brain not comprehending.

“Do you have anything you gotta do tomorrow? I need to tell you something,” Ana said in a low voice, nearly whispering.

“I’ve got school. But maybe we could meet at the cafe at 3?”

“Sure. Good night?”

“Yeah. Good night.”

I walked into the apartment, my mind drawing blanks on what in the heck Ana had said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to keira for looking over this chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

The large lamp near the center of the living room was a knife, stabbing into my eyes. The TV was on; Mal, Sam, and Josh were all on the couch, playing a game. From Aleph, I realized. Focalpoint 2. The one decent game out of a series of cookie-cutter shooters. Sam waved at me, but otherwise I went unnoticed as I stumbled past them and into the kitchen.

My coordination had largely come back. Easily enough to find a glass, down a cup of water in several gulps, and pour another for me to sip at. I sat on the floor, my back to a corner, just closing my eyes and trying not to exist for a moment.

Unfortunately, my mind was clearing alongside my coordination. I shouldn’t have agreed to go drinking. I really, _really_ shouldn’t have agreed to go drinking. Might as well go through a checklist: Acted like an idiot? Check. Wasted her time with having to be helped home? Check. Accidentally confess my crush? Check.

She said feelings might have parallels, or something. But what did that _mean_? She had to be turning me down, right? Why use such weird wording? I reminded myself that she had something to tell me. She looked so serious, too.

Maybe she was moving. Or she was about to tell me that she once killed someone. Or maybe she wasn’t really PRT, and was making a living selling drugs. It’d explain her casual dismissal of financials. Except, that thought was a rabbit hole into a series of thoughts and ideas that I didn’t want to go down. Especially since she was going to tell me _tomorrow._ It’d feel pretty weird to be expecting a secret on the national scale, when really she was just going to tell me about something small, like how she didn’t actually like mocha lattes.

That left my own secrets. Things about me that shouldn’t matter, but do. My job, my _body_ , both easy reasons for a large number of people to reject my existence at best. At worst? Well, nazis existed. What a world we lived in.

Someone walked into the kitchen, their socks softly hitting the tile. They plopped down next to me. I finally opened my eyes to find Sam staring up at the ceiling.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey. Do you need a hug?” she said.

“Sure.”

Sam leaned over and wrapped me in a side-hug. The position was odd, but the warmth felt nice. Helping to wash away the menagerie of thoughts. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” It wasn’t even a lie.

Sam stood up, leaving my side cold again. She grabbed a large bag of chips from the cupboard, and left to rejoin the other two. There was chatter in the living room. I ignored it until I heard my name. The chatter stopped, and it was only a few seconds before Mal peeked her head in.

“The floor is nice,” I explained before she could say anything.

“Did your date go okay?”

“It wasn’t a date, but yeah. Or it did until she decided she wanted to go drinking. I think I fucked up.”

“Wait a sec. She actually got you to go out drinking?”

I sighed. “Yes.”

“To an actual bar?”

“Yeah. That one by Jefferson and Richards?”

“Huh.” Mal sat down beside me. “I’ve always wanted to check it out.”

“Somehow, it’s as clean as it is shady.”

“I’ll definitely check it out, then,” Mal said. “So. Want to talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” I buried my face in my hands. “I got drunk off of one drink and wound up admitting my crush.”

 “Nice,” Mal said. I rolled my eyes. She even made an ‘o’ with her thumb and index finger. “Did you find out if she was into girls first.”

“Yes? But there’s no way she likes girls like me.”

“You never know. There _are_ cis girl chasers.”

“You’re not helping,” I said flatly. “She said something about how feelings might be parallel, or something.”

“She likes you,” Mal said.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because Lexi rhymes with sexy.” She smirked.

I resisted the urge to facepalm. “Be serious.”

“Think about it. Feelings being parallel? That’s, like, two lines moving in the same direction. Like her feelings are moving in the same direction as yours?”

“That’s…” I frowned. “A really convoluted way to say ‘I like you too’.”

Mal shrugged. “Why don’t you just ask her what she meant?”

“That’s not a bad idea.” It was the obvious idea. “We’re already meeting up tomorrow. She says she has something to tell me?”

“Maybe she’s gonna propose.” Mal grinned.

I laughed. “Okay, now you’re going from dumb to dumber.”

“So. Gonna stop sulking on the floor? You should join us on the couch. We could always use another player to help stop Sam from curb-stomping us.”

The thought of playing a game left my brain in a dull haze. “I think I’m just gonna not exist to some random videos.” At least until I was ready to pass out.

“Aw. Feel free to change your mind, okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

Mal reached over and kissed the top of my head. “Love you.”

“You too,” I said.

I pushed myself into a standing position. Mal gave me a small wave as she walked away. I forwent the videos in favor of faceplanting on my bed, unmoving as misty half-formed thoughts flowed lazily in my head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira for assuring me that there's nothing glaringly wrong :sharkhi:


	7. Chapter 7

This was it. The super scary conversation.

“This is pretty good. I think I like it better than the caramel,” Ana said, clutching her cup. “Rich and dark without being really bitter.”

Well, not exactly. This? This was stalling.

“Caramel’s just weird in coffee, honestly. I just like cycling between different kinds of chocolate.”

“I can see why. Maybe I’ll try the white chocolate mocha latte next.”

“Oh, the white chocolate is a little sweet. I’d take that without whipped cream.”

“Without? Well, if you’re sure.” Ana sipped away, avoiding my gaze.

I could hardly taste what I was sipping. Not that it was bad, it was great, but more of a sense of all my thoughts and worries and fears paving over the sensations. Needed to ask about last night. Needed to come out. No idea how to do either.

“That was some drinking last night,” I finally said. I laughed nervously.

“Yeah? As I recall, I did most of the drinking, but you did most of the drunking.”

“That’s… not a verb,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“Why sorry?”

“I made an idiot of myself. Sorry.” I wanted to hide. Instead, all I could do was lay my head over my arms on the table, with the drink directly in front of me.

“Hey. I mean, no one’s exactly graceful when they drink enough.”

“Yeah, but—”

“No buts. Though I gotta know. Was that your first drink? You didn’t exactly give a clear answer.”

“No,” I said flatly. “My body just sucks. I don’t go out drinking because of it.” And because of money. Fuck, I didn’t even remember paying. Ana must have paid again. I was such a mooch yesterday.

“Really? Shit, I didn’t pressure you or anything, did I?”

I sat up. “No, you’re fine. I should’ve known better.”

“Hey, no, _you’re_ fine. I mean as in that you’re fine in this situation.” Ana took a long drink from her mocha, and set it down. She frowned at it.

“Last night got kinda… interesting,” I said. Just had to probe more, and I wouldn’t have the burden of bringing up why we were here. Or bringing up the _other_ thing that would probably drive her away.

“Yeah. It kinda did.” Ana looked away. God _fucking_ damn it. I tapped the table sharply with my fingers for a brief moment.

“Yeah.” It was all I could say.

We sat in silence for too long. My drink started to get cold. It still swished a little in the cup. Probably enough for a quick gulp. I watched people for a while. A guy wearing some band shirt was trying to talk to a girl. From what I could tell, he was failing. Miserably. I tried to sip at my drink again, only to find it was empty. I didn’t even remember drinking.

“I think I’ll try one of their cookies,” Ana said. I laid my head back down on the table. Why was this so hard?

My patience only lasted so long. I had Mal on speed dial. She was ready to drive me away if the worst happened. The moment Ana sat back down, I spoke. “I need to tell you something.”

She set her cookie down. “Is it okay if I go first? You… probably won’t wanna share after I say this.” Ana pulled out her phone and tapped away.

“Are you gonna say it?” I asked.

“Here,” she said, sliding her phone over. She was grabbing the table, her knuckles becoming white. Looking anywhere except at me.

There was a message on her phone. I read it, blinked, and read it again. ‘ _I’m transgender_ ’.

“Oh.” That’s all I could say at first. _Oh._ I felt like I was dreaming. This couldn’t be real life. Real life wasn’t this ridiculous. “This is… kinda funny actually.”

Ana snatched her phone. “Well it’s not funny to me,” she snapped.

Shit. Hell. “Wait! That’s not what I mean!” Way to go, Lexi.

“I’m not sure what else that _could_ mean,” Ana said as she walked away. She was all the way to the door before I came to my senses.

“Hey, wait!” I shouted, rushing over. I took her hand, and she paused. “Let me explain?”

Ana took a deep breath. Her back was still turned to me. “Fine.”

“Maybe sit down again?” I suggested.

“You can explain here.”

“I’d really rather not. This… is actually related to what I wanted to tell you. Please, trust me?”

Ana ran her hand across her face and finally turned back. Her eyes were red and puffy. _Shit_ , I made her cry. I felt like a boulder was crushing my chest. I could only hope she trusted me enough to follow me back to the table. I pointedly ignored the odd glance from other customers. We _did_ make a slight scene. I’d have to hope that they didn’t get too curious.

“Explain,” she said as I sat down.

I breathed a sigh of relief. “I think I’ll type this down, too.”

I typed out the message and slid the phone over to her. ‘ _I’m transgender too_ ’.

“Is this some kind of joke?” she said, her face all scrunched up.

“No! Dammit. I thought it was funny because here I was, worrying about telling you this,” I groaned. “Wondering what you’d say. Scared you’d freak out and I’d have to run. And then it turns out, well, you are too! Tell me that isn’t a little bit funny?”

Ana didn’t say anything for a moment, seemingly frozen in time. I let out a short ‘umm’ and started fidgeting with my hands. Did I say something wrong again? Did she not believe me? I couldn’t tell anything by her expression. The effect was finally broken when she wiped at her eyes again. “Huh. I guess it is.”

“In case you still don’t believe me, do you mind if I talk about our Lord and Savior: the grossest mints in the world?” I said, grinning. Oh wondrous Spironolactone. Testosterone blocker of choice for many trans women. Mint flavor added to make it less disgusting, supposedly, only ever making it worse. Ana grimaced. “A friend of mine once dared me to dry swallow one.”

“Why?” Ana said, eyes twitching. “That’s. Just. Who would do that?”

“Stupid people.” I shrugged.

“Yeah. You’re pretty stupid,” Ana agreed.

“Hey. That’s rude,” I said, crossing my arms. My smile betrayed my amusement.

“Your reaction to someone coming out should never be ‘huh, that’s funny’,” she whispered.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “No. It really shouldn’t.”

“Still, what are the chances? I’m still processing how two… you know, just meet like this?”

“I dunno. Maybe the same as me having a sister who is also…” I trailed off, eyeing the other occupants in the cafe. It didn’t hurt to be careful, with Empire territory not too far away. “You know. We kinda attract each other somehow.”

“Hey. Do you wanna take this conversation elsewhere?”

“Yes,” I said without hesitation. I _hated_ censoring myself. Fuck this town. “Any idea where?”

“Maybe my apartment? If that isn’t too weird. I just don’t wanna be around people right now.”

“I get that. I only go out because it’s the only way I can focus. And, well… you.”

“Okay,” Ana said, standing up. “It’s not too far. Just ten minutes by bike.”

“By bike?” I questioned as I followed her outside.

“Yup. I’ve had this baby ever since I turned 18,” she said, walking down the sidewalk. “It’s not parked too far.”

“Oh jeez,” was all I could say. The motorcycle didn’t seem particularly fancy or anything. It was blue. Beyond knowing how to drive, filling up on gas, and changing a tire, I didn’t know _anything_ about automobiles. It’s not like I needed to learn more, given _owning_ a vehicle was a far-away dream. Rather, I was a little in awe that Ana regularly rode a freakin’ _motorcycle_. Just how badass was that? My attraction to her grew just a teensy bit more.

“Here’s a helmet,” Ana said, passing one to me. It was black, featureless.

“You keep an extra helmet with you?” I asked as she put hers on. I followed suit, taking a little more time than her to figure out how to strap it on.

“Well…” Ana trailed off, turning away. “I was kinda sorta thinking of asking if you wanted a ride anyway.”

“I’d love to ride you. Er, with you.” I flushed and clenched my hand on my wrist, bringing a knuckle to my face. “Shit.” I laughed. “I get dumb died. Uh, tongue tied. Dammit.”

Ana turned and smirked. “Well hop on, then.”

She hopped on with practiced ease, turning her head to give me a cute smile. I attempted to swing my leg over, only to mess up and hit the bike. I narrowly avoided falling over, somehow. Ignoring Ana’s snickering, I made it onto the bike on my second try.

“So, uh, do I just grip the seat or something?” I didn’t want to ask if it was okay to grab _her_. It was easier to just sound like an idiot than to assume anything.

“Sounds like a good way to kiss the concrete. Just hold onto me.”

With the permission granted, I carefully wrapped my arms around her waist. She twitched, but otherwise didn’t react. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” I lied.

Ana turned a key, and the motorcycle growled beneath me. It vibrated almost soothingly. Maybe it was more a purr than a growl. Then, the engine roared as Ana sped off. I held onto Ana tightly, well aware how easy it would be for me to become a bloody smear on the road or on some other vehicle. Cold wind tore at my exposed hands, making me wish I’d worn gloves for this. My heart pounded away.

Then, as if a switch had been flipped in my mind, I grinned and laughed. The sheer terror morphed into exhilaration. The acceleration! The speed! Ana took turns surprisingly slow, but maybe she was compensating for me.

We flew down the road into parts of Brockton Bay that I hardly knew. It took me too long to recognize it. The buildings were neat, and the roads were well maintained—at least for this city. We passed by apartment buildings and the odd store. There were no rusting abandoned cars, random tires, rotting lumber, or other such junk. Yet it lacked the over-landscaped lawns that the wealthiest preferred. It was more in the middle. Where middle-class families, business people, or whatnot would stay. We passed pedestrians too quickly for me to get a good look, but I imagined that their level of wariness was lower. That they had fewer troubles over their heads.

Then I saw a few closed-off storefronts. Buildings which looked hollow next to its neighbors. Cracked and weedy parking lots juxtaposed by the recently paved. Brockton Bay was still dying, its rot extending even to here. Maybe my immediate guess about the people here was wrong. We still had violent gangs, nazis, supervillains running unchecked, and a deluge of hard drugs flowing through the city. I doubted anyone here actually felt truly safe.

I felt equal parts relieved and disappointed when Ana finally pulled into a parking garage underneath one of the apartment buildings. Nearly fell when I stepped off the bike, having to hold on to Ana for a moment while I regained my balance.

“You okay?” Ana asked.

“Yup. Just… blah. Learning how to walk again.”

“What?”

“A joke? I just, umm, the ride left me…” Ugh, why have I suddenly forgotten how to talk? “I’m just off balance. Little dizzy. Yeah.”

“Do I need to carry you?”

“No!” Yes, a part of me said. I would love for her to take me in her strong arms and carry me away. “I’m fine now. Just fine. Totally walk-ready.”

I’d managed to make an idiot of myself again. As always. The perfect words I could’ve said sprung to mind as I followed Ana to the elevator. All I had to say was ‘Yeah, I’m fine’.

“If you’re sure. I kinda liked carrying you.” Ana smiled. My stomach felt all fluttery.

“L-let’s just go inside,” I stammered. Together, we headed for the stairs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira and Pericardium for helping me iron out the creases!


	8. Chapter 8

“Well, here we are,” Ana said, leading me in. It was small. The door opened immediately into a small living room, with a kitchen separated by a half-wall. There was a door to my left—I’d assume a closet—and a pair of doors on the other end.

There was very little in what felt like personal touch. There was furniture. A couch, a coffee table, a small table, and chairs. Even a TV. Other than that, the few books scattered around were the only life in this place.

“Furniture isn’t mine,” Ana said. “I actually only moved here eight months ago. Haven’t spent much time here besides to sleep.”

“Oh. You never mentioned you were from out of town.”

“Heh, I guess I didn’t. I moved here because of my work.”

“With the PRT?”

“Uh, yeah. Sometimes they need, uh, staff moved around. I can’t say much more. You know, classified details and all that.”

“I understand,” I said. Slightly disappointed, yes, but I couldn’t argue with that. Cape business and those who dealt with it was serious.

Ana sighed. “I’m glad you do. I’ve got a certain family member who just won’t shut up with questions.”

_Right_. Reminded me of Mom trying to ask what I’m doing for a living. Like sure, how any person wanted to tell their own mother that they dangled their bits in front of a camera for money. And I definitely wasn’t bringing _that_ up. It wasn’t lying if I just never talked about it, right?

“That must be annoying,” I said instead.

“Yes,” Ana groaned. “Hey, do you want anything to drink? I’ve got water. And, well, water.”

“I’m good, thank you.”

“I’m terrible at this,” Ana said, running a hand through her hair.

“I think you’re doing just fine. At whatever this is supposed to be.” I shrugged.

“Hey. Things were, uh, kinda left awkwardly last night.”

“When I got drunk and you had to lead me home?” I still felt a tinge of embarrassment from that.

“Yeah. I… well, I don’t really tell people anymore. I wanted to tell you since it felt like things were…” she trailed off.

“Things were what?” I asked. “I wanted to ask what you meant about parallels and… stuff.”

“It means I’m dumb and can’t say things straight.” Ana fidgeted with her hands.

“Because you, well, aren’t?” I joked.

“I mean, yeah. Like. I… like girls. Like, you know, adult women, but I like the sound of girls. Umm.” Ana covered her face. “I mean that getting to know you has been nice. I wanna keep doing that.” She pulled her hands away.

My heart rate speed up. I stepped closer. “I think you’re pretty neat. I’d like to keep getting to know you too.” I looked into her eyes.

“Me too. I’m honestly feeling kinda fluttery right now. And so, so clueless.”

“Does that mean that you like me too?” I dared to ask. I was sure. I was so sure at this point, but I _needed_ confirmation.

“Yes,” she whispered. Finally.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and leaned into her. Ana was warm, her breathing was shaky and stuttery. The butterflies fluttered more. “I’m not sure I’m the best source on relationships, but I think communicating feelings is a pretty good start.”

“You think so?” she asked. I nodded. “Then I’ve gotten something to share.”

“Yeah?”

“I really want to kiss you.” Her lips were parted, just a tiny bit.

Standing on my tiptoes, I met her lips with my own. Waves of sensations flew from the first touch. Electric, but not quite. Small, rapid kisses. Hums of contentment. Our breaths the only sound in the quiet apartment. I could hear each one. My leg brushed against something as I pressed into her, and I grinned.

I leaned back. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey yourself.” Ana’s grin was dorky and hella adorable.

I took her hand in mine and lead her to a couch. It was kinda awkward to stand on my tiptoes for too long, after all. We laid on the couch, bodies intertwined. Exchanging soft kisses. Touching each other, making close advances with our respective hands, but never going too far. I reached under her shirt to touch her back, and she gasped at the feeling of my cold hand.

On a whim, I shifted around and kissed her neck. Ana let out a short, throaty moan. It only stirred me further. I straddled her, and wrapped my arms around her head and kissed her again.

“I’m kinda turned on,” I said in a low voice. “How about you?”

Ana bit her lip. “Maybe a little.”

Judging by what my butt was currently feeling, it was more than a little. “Is this okay?” My body wanted me to go further. My mind knew I had to check.

“Umm…” Ana trailed off. Hesitance. That wasn’t a yes.

I sat back up, retreating to the other end of the couch. “Hey. Are you okay?”

Ana sat back up, too. “Yeah. I just. I’m sorry, this was a little fast and—”

I held my arms close to my chest. “No, I’m sorry. I have a bad habit of escalating, and usually it works out, but…” Dammit this was going so right! Why’d I have to ruin it?

“I guess I was a little caught off guard. This is… normal for you?”

“Kinda. Ironically. Most of my relationships since transitioning have wound up going this quickly. And they like it. And then they don’t like that I don’t really follow up much after. Sorry, again. I don’t even know why I do this.”

Ana’s hand found my own. I forgot to breathe for a brief moment. Daring to hope. “I mean, I was kinda getting…” Ana’s other hand hand twirled in a lazy motion. “Yeah. I can see the appeal. Just…”

“You don’t wanna go that quickly?” I smiled. Okay, she was understanding. Really, really good sign. “I understand. It’s why I asked. Had to be sure, ya know?”

“Yeah. Thank you for asking. I might’ve just…”

I frowned. “Never let someone do something to you that you’re uncomfortable with. Even with me. _Especially_ with me. I want you to be comfortable. I don’t wanna have sex if you don’t want to, either.”

“Okay. I feel bad, though,” Ana said. She sounded like my own internal thinking.

“Don’t be. I’ve been there. Feeling like you _have_ to have sex with someone is the worst. Feeling guilty for shutting down and not knowing why.”

“Holy… damn, Alexis? Did someone?”

I grimaced. “I mean. Not like you’re thinking. There just wasn’t communication.” I squeezed Ana’s hand. She squeezed back. “Honestly? Sex is lame. Cuddles are better ninety-nine percent of the time.”

Ana raised an eyebrow. “Says the girl grinding against my junk a minute ago.”

I made my way back into her embrace. Saying nothing, just enjoying her warmth. She slowly slid a hand up and down my arm. I fell into a dazed wakefulness. Awake, but not entirely lucid. Lazy thoughts swirling around, not fully formed. Not quite daydreaming. Maybe I could’ve thought about my story for once, but I just hadn’t felt like it. Too many nights glancing at my screen, not a word being added.

Maybe I should actually respond. “Hey, about that? Umm. If we ever do… ya’know, start doing, uh, stuff.” God, I was literally just on top of her a few minutes ago. Why was I so awkward about this again? “I’m actually kinda… sex averse a lot of the time. So, umm, if you’re, you know, super sexual? I… don’t think I’m the best partner.” Better to get it out now.

“Huh,” Ana said. She squeezed my hand for a moment. “I dunno. I’ve never had a good relationship with sex. Sorry, I can’t really give you a straight answer.”

I snickered. Ana poked my nose. “Anyway,” she continued. “Umm, I guess I’ve got something of my own to bring up? Since we’re talking about this… relationship? That I kinda fell into?”

“That we fell into?” I smiled. “Shit, it’s only been, what, three days? Next week I think we might be ordering a U-haul.”

Ana giggled. “We’re a bit of a stereotype, aren’t we?”

“I guess? Gay people seem to go quickly. Trans gay people seem to go even more quickly. If anything we’re taking things _slower_ than I’ve seen from some friends of mine.”

And, to be honest with myself, it kinda sucked to be single when you saw happy relationships every day. I didn’t want to mention it out loud, though. It’d sound too much like I was using her to not feel alone. I wasn’t doing that, right?

“Sound logic,” Ana said. She kissed my cheek. “I’m kinda glad. Even if it makes me selfish.”

“What do you mean?”

“My job isn’t exactly…” Ana twirled a lock of her hair. I resisted the urge to guess out loud. I always hated when people did that to me. “Safe. I could… well, some days, I can’t help but feel like every wasted moment is the worst thing ever. I agonize over it. Because tomorrow could be the day I die, without me ever seeing it coming.”

“Huh.” I wasn’t sure what you were supposed to say to that. “Is your job that dangerous?”

“I can’t really say much. But yeah.”

“Oh.” I guess I should’ve expected it. The PRT was right in the business of capes. They needed to be. Someone had to do it. A dumb part of me wondered why Ana had to do it. I still wondered what _it_ was. Soldier, maybe? I couldn’t imagine a girl with arms like hers being a pencil pusher. But who knows. Maybe the pencil pushers were in just as much danger.

“I’m sorry. It’s kinda shitty to just bring it up now.”

“No. It’s okay.”

“It’s not though. It’s not fair to you.” Ana clutched me tighter.

“Meh. Not like this fucking life has ever been fair to me,” I said, fuel from my memories tainting my words. No—Alexis, don’t go down that road. Think about kittens instead! “I mean. I like you. I don’t wanna worry about what _might_ happen.”

We cuddled in silence for a while. More slight touches. I kept trying to think about kittens, but other thoughts swarmed them and left nothing behind.

“When you said you liked me, I was surprised,” Ana said. “You seem so together. That you’re doing something with your life. That you’re not… like me.”

“What?” I sat up. “Where on earth did you get that idea?” Not again. Not _fucking_ again. Please don’t be like Ellie.

Ana gaped at me. Shit, I raised my voice. “I-I mean. You’re going to college, and you write, and—and—”

My mind flashed back to Ellie. Always putting herself down. Always propping me up. Could never accept that she wasn’t worse than me, or that I wasn’t better than her.

“Please. Don’t. I’ve been put on a pedestal before. I’m a mess, Ana. It, it kills me when people think otherwise.” I fidgeted with my hands.

“Okay,” Ana said in a small voice. “I’m gonna get some water.”

I watched her walk away as I curled in on myself. Felt a buzz in my pocket. It—dammit—I didn’t have to get so angry. On the bright side, said the dark depths of my mind, she at least knew what she was getting into. I took my phone out, mostly so I had something to occupy myself. I had a text from Mel. Whoops. Forgot to let her know everything was okay. I told her that I was at Ana’s place, and she replied with a smirk emoji. Even now, I could smile just a little.

I felt Ana sit down next to me. The shame I felt grew. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten… irritated.” Right, Lexi. Downplay it why don’t you. “I just… someone important to me did that. I kept listening, and I guess part of me started believing her. I felt bad for feeling bad. It took me too long to come to terms that… it’s okay to not be okay.”

“I get it. I guess we all have our… triggers.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“No.” Ana took my hand in hers again. “Just seems that we don’t entirely know each other yet.”

I smiled. “Well, it’s only been three days.”

Ana inched closer. “I wanna get to know you still.”

“Me too.”

“And I promise to not put you on a pedestal.”

“Thank you.”

She leaned in, and we kissed again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira, Nihilistic Jan, and Skyrunner for looking over this!


	9. Chapter 9

“Whoa there,” Ana said, steadying my body. It was too easy to fake losing balance while stepping off the bike.

“Have I mentioned that you’re pretty?” I asked as I leaned into her.

“Only about fifteen quintillion times.”

“I’m pretty sure the universe would enter heat death before I said anything that many times.”

“Maybe.” Ana shrugged. “That’s just one possibility. There could also be a crunch, and you’d still be calling me pretty through the new big bang and another crunch.”

“Mmm. That wouldn’t be long enough.”

We stood under flickering lights. Sharing warmth and a moment. Listening to the ambient sounds. Distant sirens. Screeching tires. A far away pop. It was a moment that couldn’t last. And too soon I had to pull away.

“Do you really have to go?” Ana asked.

“Yeah. See you around?”

Ana wrapped me in a hug. “Mmhmm. I’ll text you later, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” I said. I waved at my girlfriend as she hopped on her bike, gave me a salute, and sped off.

The thought struck me again as I slid in the key to the apartment door. Holy shit, I had a girlfriend. Holy shit, Ana was my girlfriend. Holy _shit_ , I was Ana’s girlfriend. And to think I was terrified that she wouldn’t even want to be my friend because I’m trans. To think that _she_ was trans too.

My thoughts swirled around and around. Wording changed, but the idea stayed. Oh jeez, oh jeez, _oh jeez_. It was easy to focus on that, and not on everything else. Like the scary dark city I had to travel through, even if made easier thanks to Ana. Or the crumbling infrastructure. Or the fact that I had to leave the warmth of my girlfriend (oh my god!) in order to jerk off onscreen for money.

It was easier to focus on the memories I made tonight than everything that could go wrong. Like Ana’s apparently dangerous job. Or literally every other danger out there. Or my shaky mental state causing me to fail my classes, and sending me spiraling into the deep pits of depression where I’ll push everyone away and wallow in self pity until I find some form of suicide that’ll look like an accident or murder or otherwise look as though I hadn’t killed myself so I wouldn’t even hurt as many people in the process. But that wouldn’t happen, obviously. I wrestled with my brain, yelling at it to shut the fuck up. As if I had real control over where the rabbit hole of my thoughts went.

“Hey Lexi! I didn’t actually expect to see you. Figured you’d be, y’know…” Mal was standing in front of me, talking. It took me a moment to realize she was making a crude gesture using the index finger of one hand, and a circle made out of the index finger and thumb of the other. I tensed. “You okay?” she asked. I didn’t want to answer. My right hand shook.

I took a deep breath. Tapped fingers to my thumbs. One two three four. “Hi. Work.”

“Ah shit. Things didn’t go well?” No, things went great. I couldn’t say. Or, I couldn’t figure out how to say.

“No.” That was a start. “Things are good.” Better. “Really tired.” That was a lie. Or maybe it was true. Why else would my body and my brain do this to me?

One two three four three two one.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” Mal asked. Uncertain? I wished she realized. Go away, go away. Every second near someone made me wanna punch the wall. I clenched my fist and released. Went back to one two three four. Didn’t help. Just something to focus on. What was I doing? Right. I was in the kitchen. Needed to go to my room.

“I just wanna lay down,” I forced out. I turned, and headed for my room. I think Mal said something else, but I forgot the moment she said it.

I was in the room. The door was closed. My hands tensed. Jumped onto the bed. Wrapped sheets around. There were sounds, piercing my senses. I reached for headphones, went for a playlist. No more sounds but the ones I chose. Deep breath.

I think I was okay. I’d be okay. Didn’t have to do anything for a while. Just let the heightened anxiety do its thing. I was here. I was okay. I finally took one more deep breath, and laughed. Sounded just like my stupid unstable ass to have a panic attack on the same day I started dating again.

It was about time for work. Unfortunately, I was in bed, snuggled under covers with music. I raised an arm and let it drop back down. Blah. I tried. It would be so easy to close my eyes. At least until the alarm on my phone went off, interrupting the song.

I finally stood up with a heavy sigh. I quickly peeled all of my clothing off. Tried to throw my panties in the laundry basket, but I missed. Stood in front of the length mirror, one hand automatically covering the junk without even a conscious thought. It always felt a little narcissistic, looking at every inch of myself in the mirror half the time I got naked. I could smile, feel the confidence in the smirk I held in the mirror. Just as long as one nasty little part was covered.

I decided to go for a cat theme this time. Black thighhighs with kitty faces at the top were my favorite socks. It was such a shame that they were part of my work wardrobe. This time I’d wear the translucent black dress. Even though I never really cared for skirts or dresses, the chasers seemed to love them. Kitty ears on top of my wig and my bell choker almost completed the look. Then, a wince as I put in the tail. Last, carefully applied makeup.

I settled into my best pretend-to-like-you smile. A smile I developed as a waitress, and kept up in my current profession. The start inched into seconds into minutes. Pattern matched cookie cutter phrases. The occasional improvisation ultimately just another pattern, clicking into place like a puzzle. Hardly any thought was put into it. Enough effort to play the part, to hear the dings following numbers popping up as horny viewers opened their wallets.

Unfortunately, that left my mind free to wander again. I had a panic attack earlier. All over thinking about everything. Or maybe part of it was sleep deprivation, or how I’d hardly eaten. Even now I had a low level buzz of annoyance. I just wanted this stream done with.

My sticky note was already in place on my screen to cover up any guy who wanted me to see him, God only knew why. It was just more money in my account. Minutes turned into an hour. An idle thought struck me as I streamed. Removing the cat tail for another object was just so _silly_. I couldn’t help but imagine a cat just taking its tail off. It was a struggle not to laugh through the whole process.

Another hour turned into two, and I had to wrestle with the thought I didn’t want to think about. At some point, I had to open up to Ana about my sex work. It wasn’t fair for me to keep this from her. Some small part of me wondered if it was _cheating_ , even if it was just work. Which wouldn’t actually be the case. We didn’t exactly draw a line in the sand. And there was a difference between video sex chat with a single person, versus a stream. But it wouldn’t matter what I thought if Ana didn’t like this.

Two hours turned into three. And then I waved goodbye to the chasers, and I shut off the stream. I layed still for a while, staring up at the ceiling. No longer watched, I could finally scratch the itchy spots on my body. My tummy growled, reminding me again that I still needed to eat, and finally I gathered up the clothes and towels for the hamper. Finally remembered to toss in the underwear from earlier.

As hungry as I was, a shower had to come first. I’d just make a quick one. Towel wrapped around me, I dashed for the bathroom. The steaming hot water hitting my back soothed my mess of a body. I stood there, letting the water flow around my body, and the zoo of thoughts flow in my head. Ana. The moments we’ve shared so far. My job, and how I couldn’t tell her. My story, and how I hadn’t even written anything in days. It was enough to make me want to just hide in my room.

I finally started going through the motions. Scrubbing my body. Washing my hair. My brain was still stuck in a time loop, doomed to repeat the same thoughts. I stood in the shower until I was overheating and my fingers become pruny. So much for a short shower.

It was late when I stumbled into my room. Forty minute shower. Was it ever even possible to take a quick one? My body reminded me that I still needed to eat, but it was easier to just sit on my bed. Why would I move when I was comfortable here? Especially since eating food would require so much effort. Might as well starve.

There was a knock. I reluctantly called out. Mal opened the door and leaned her head in. “Hey Lexi. There’s pizza if you want some.”

Perfect timing! “I love it when you bring me food.”

“Doesn’t anyone?” Mal winked and closed the door.

Well. Couldn’t just sit here and let the pizza get cold.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira and Nihilistic Janitor for looking over this chapter! :D


	10. Chapter 10

“Mmm?” I tried not to choke on the molten pizza filling my mouth.

“I asked if you were mad at me,” Mal said.

I swallowed the pizza. “Why would I be?” The roof of my mouth stung. I probably burned it again.

“Like. I dunno. You seemed angry earlier and…”

Oh. That. Josh was being his nosy self, glancing at the two of us. “I just wasn’t feeling well. Sorry about earlier.” Terrible excuse. I was a goddamn bitch, panic attack or no panic attack. Maybe Mal should’ve realized, but it wasn’t up to other people to deal with my personal mess.

Mal squinted at me. “You don’t seem sick.”

“I’m not,” I said without skipping a beat.

“But you just said you were?” Oh dammit. People always told me I was shit at lying.

“No? I just wasn’t feeling well.” Because yes, Alexis, going in circles will work.

“Umm. Okay.” Mal rubbed at her forehead. “Are you okay? Wanna talk or something?”

I glared at Josh. He had the decency to look away. “What’s there to talk about? I had a great time. Maybe something at the restaurant didn’t agree with me.” My tongue picked at the stringy bits in my mouth while I figured out what else to say. “I feel better now, though.”

Mal let out a hum and took a large bite of pizza. “So. Question,” she said with her mouth full. “Did she actually manage to make you cum?”

“No,” I said flatly.

“I feel oddly better about that. You’re just an impossible puzzle or something.”

“I mean we didn’t do… that! Fucking heck.” Mal’s sexuality was beginning to get a little annoying. “We just... cuddled. And yeah.” And I wasn’t going to admit that I tried to initiate sex. Mal would be far too smug. And just be too much in general.

“That’s pretty gay.”

“Yeah.” I missed her warmth.

“So, congrats on the girlfriend?”

 “Yeah.” I shoved another bite into my mouth.

“I’d say yay, but you seem kinda… flat?”

I rolled my eyes. “My boobs aren’t that small, Mal.”

“Ha ha,” Mal said flatly. “You’re dodging.”

“Am I?”

“You’re really not subtle, Lexi.”

“Thanks. Means a lot.”

“Are you just gonna be snarky tonight?”

I sighed. What was with me? “What do you want?”

“What do I want? I just want to check in! You just seem so… fuck, kinda moody?”

Moody. Huh. I blinked. Happy gf feels, panic attack, calm, jabbering mess of thoughts, happy pizza, and… this. As dumb as I was, even I could tell that Mal made a pretty obvious point.

“You’re right. Sorry,” I said. Josh was glancing again, the irritating little shit. “So, umm.” I stood up and set my plate down. “Can we take a walk?”

“Yeah. Sure. Just let me get ready.”

I rushed to put on shoes and a coat. I was still in pajamas, but I couldn’t be bothered to change. Mal seemed to take forever. I paced and ignored Josh. Sam nodded to me. She might’ve even seemed irritated at me, but I yelled at that part of my mind. Sam never showed irritation. Finally Mal stepped out of her room, wearing actual jeans. A familiar small green bag hung from her shoulder.

“Oh. Gonna be that kind of walk?” I asked.

Mal shrugged. “Why not? You seem like you could use a hit.”

“Fuck it. Why not?”

When we finally stepped outside, a feeling of lightness came over me. It was late enough that there were few cars on the road, and at that moment there wasn’t anyone around. Just me and Mal. We headed out wordlessly. I just followed Mal at her side, neither knowing or caring where she was going.

It was a couple of blocks before I spoke. “I’m scared.”

“Of?”

We crossed an intersection before I spoke again. “I’m just scared. Of everything.”

“Oh.” Another block. “When are you not, though?” The words might’ve stung if it wasn’t something I knew. Plus, her tone felt neutral, or maybe pensive.

I shrugged. Mal didn’t see, so I added, “I dunno.”

Mal finally turned off the street into a parking lot with more weeds than concrete. The building might’ve had a bunch of shops, once, instead of the empty fronts with fading and yellowing ‘for lease’ signs that could’ve been there for decades. I wouldn’t have dared approach it alone, even though the risk was low. Mal, though, just strolled up to it with no fear like it was Brockton Bay University. And since I wasn’t alone, I could follow.

“I haven’t shown you this, have I?” Mal said.

“No.” Or, at least, I didn’t have a memory of it.

Mal pulled at a chain covering one of the doors, and it fell off. “It’s a good place to smoke as any. Found it while exploring with Sam.”

“Hmm. I think I remember you talking about it.”

We stepped in. The first thing I noticed was how stale the air was, with the scent of old marijuana smoke clinging on. There were random pieces of cardboard and a room divider in the middle. Mal headed for it. Behind it was an old faded red couch with the odd tear. My friend sunk heavily into it. I gave it a prod before sinking in next to her. I could feel something hard just barely pressing into me where I saw, so I shifted closer to Mal to get away from it.

Mal zipped open her bag and pulled out a pipe. She pulled out her small bag of weed, too, and dropped a small ball into it. She passed it to me.

“Here. I’ll let you have the honors.”

“Umm.” I held the pipe. It was a lovely shade of purple, as far as I could see under the dimmed street lamp light streaking in from outside. Reminded me of an amethyst.

“Oh, right, here’s my lighter,” Mal said, handing it to me. “You _do_ know how this works, right?”

“Yeah. Of course I know how it works.” With a single flip, I was now holding in my hand a small flame. My hand could just feel its pulsing heat.

A memory came to mind. The first time I smoked marijuana. I was expected to light it then, too. I couldn’t figure out how to get the fire into the bowl to light the weed. Or rather, I couldn’t figure out how to do that and not get touched by the fire. Or without dumping the weed. My… friends at the time got angry at me for not being able to do such a simple task. And my throat had felt locked up at the thought of talking about my fears. Felt like it’d make everything worse.

“Ah fuck. I forgot you hated fire,” Mal said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shush. It’s okay. Lemme just—” Mal reached for the lighter.

“Nope. I can do this.”

“You sure? Fuck, you know how I feel about spiders. Not gonna make you do this.”

I glared at her, flicked the lighter again, and tilted the fire into the weed. It lit, and the scent joined the stale air. Easy. Hardly felt anything.

“Congrats,” Mal said, and I forced the thought that I knew she was genuine.

I pressed my lips against the pipe and breathed in deep. The thick air almost made me cough, but I kept it in. I held my breath as long as I could and finally exhaled the smoke.

“Nice,” Mal said. I coughed. Mal giggled, and took the pipe for herself. She exhaled a ring of smoke. “Still got it.”

I snickered. My body felt even lighter now. “Puff.”

“Christ. One hit _would_ hit you pretty hard, wouldn’t it?”

“Hmm yeah.” I smiled and leaned into her. “Should’ve taken pizza with us.”

Mal laughed. “Oh my god, Lexi. It doesn’t matter what it is. You’re a classic lightweight.”

I shifted into a laying down position, my head rested on Mal’s lap. My smile was probably dopey. It felt so natural. Like a smile was my default expression. I hummed a random tune as I watched Mal make more rings. I twirled my legs in the air as if I was on a bike. Not just any bike, but a fluffy bike. Fluffy bike! I snickered.

“What are you giggling about?” Mal asked.

“Fluffy bikes!”

“Uh huh. How did we never smoke together until _now_?”

I shrugged and snuggled against Mal. “Something something say no to drugs.”

Mal laughed, her entire body shaking from it. Then she rested a hand on my head, slowly shifting fingers through my hair. I’d missed this. I wondered why I ever let myself be awkward and distant after we started being just platonic.

“You doing okay?” Mal asked.

“Yeah. Maybe.” I sighed. “She doesn’t know I’m a cam girl.”

“Oh. Oof. Well, maybe she’d be okay with it? Heck, maybe she does sex work herself.”

“I doubt it. She’s PRT.”

“Oh. Dang. _Dang_ , Lexi. You have a thing for strong uniform types? Just so you can bring them to their knees?”

“Can we maybe not? Just. I don’t even want to think about sex stuff right now.”

“I just wanted to… sorry. I’ll stop.”

“It’s okay. I just… I dunno. We haven’t been talking for long, but this feels so right. We just click into place. And I don’t wanna screw that up.”

Mal took another hit. “I don’t have much experience dating cis girls. Dunno what to tell you.”

I tried covering my mouth, but wound up just letting out a snort. Mal looked down, eyebrow raised. “Wait a sec,” she said.

“Uh.” Dammit! I was literally the worst at keeping this shit private.

“Did you find another trans girl in the wild?”

“Umm. That’s… not polite to ask?”

“Ah. Got it.”

I brought my knees to my chest. Always managing to find new ways to fuck up. I’d have to let Ana know later that I probably accidentally outed her. She might yell, and then I’d have to run away, and then—

Mal poked my nose. “You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“Mmm. Want another hit?”

“Should probably go to bed. Classes tomorrow.”

“And?”

I sighed as I grabbed the pipe. “And fuck it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Nihilistic Janitor and Kittius for looking over!


	11. Chapter 11

I checked my phone. And checked it again. It was five-twenty-five. The text still said she could meet up at five o’clock. It was February, so daylight savings hadn’t muddled anything up. Right? I quickly googled, even though I already knew it wasn’t the case. Ana was just late, again, instead of me getting it wrong. Right? I checked my phone, and the text, just to make sure. One more time. Or two more times.

It felt weird, leaning against the wall of some random shop. Watching shoppers walk by with bags in hand, chattering to their friends. Eyeing the Boardwalk’s enforcers, who likely eyed me in return. It probably looked suspicious for me to be standing like this, unmoving, staring at people. Or creepy, which was worse. If only I could just phase into the wall, and be there without being there.

“Oh my—”

“Gah!” I jumped. Heart racing, eyes wide. I stood frozen in my pose, my hands held up to neck level. Ana was staring at me, and I should’ve said something right away, but instead I just sorta stared at her.

“Shit, did I scare you?”

Finally, I blinked, and I lowered my arms. My heart was still beating quickly, but my breathing felt more or less normal.

“Umm, no,” I said. “You just startled me.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

“It’s okay. I’m easily startled.”

We stood in silence for a second longer than we probably should’ve, given the context. And it didn’t help that I wasn’t sure exactly how I was supposed to greet her. This _was_ our first date, technically. Kissing was out—not even in the boardwalk. Hugging? That was okay, right?

Hoping I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I walked over and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. She reciprocated, without even a slightly hesitation, so it was probably a right choice. Hopefully. Or everything was wrong, and I was about to be dumped already.

“I’m sorry about being late,” Ana said as we parted. “Again. Work just… fucking work.”

Oh. With all of my worries, I’d briefly forgotten about that.

“Maybe send a text next time?” I offered.

“Uh.” Ana held up a strand of hair to her face. “It was already sorta late when I got out, and I figured I’d just go straight here?”

“It’d be nice to know. Just, like, as soon as you can?”

“Okay. Fuck, I can’t believe I’ve done it again.”

“It’s okay, really.” I poked Ana’s nose. “Let’s just get to it.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic,” Ana said. Was she worried?

Oh shit, she had to be worried. “Ah! Sorry, my tone is weird sometimes. Let’s uh… maybe I just need to eat?”

“Oh, yeah. I could eat an entire supermarket right now.”

I cocked my head. “I’m pretty sure you’d need superpowers to consume that much.”

“Ah… right.”

The Boardwalk faced a problem that many other people wouldn’t have noticed. Heck, it took a rant from a friend of mine to make me realize. Gentrification, and the slow encroaching spread of pricy chain retail shops and touristy food stores advertising overpriced wears. Replacing the mom and pop stores and small restaurants that stubbornly held on for as long as they could.

I lead Ana to the only place I’d ever eaten at the Boardwalk. It was a small Japanese restaurant, advertising sushi and sake. Sam brought me there, once. It kept itself alive through its novelty and brought in the tourists that Brockton somehow managed to suck in. There weren’t exactly many places to have genuine Japanese cuisine anymore.

Mercifully Ana didn’t mind me hiding behind her and letting her do the small interaction with a waitress. We were lead to a table, which wasn’t as far away from everyone else as I’d liked, but I wasn’t about to complain. It was a small restaurant, and even though it wasn’t super busy, there wasn’t much separation from others. At least I had a moment to stare at the menu, as if I was actually choosing, instead of going for the easy option that I already knew.

“Huh, sushi prices aren’t too bad here,” Ana said.

“Do you eat sushi a lot?” I said. I looked at the sushi prices, and I got a quick reminder for why I’d not be buying any.

“Only sometimes.”

We didn’t talk for a while as I pretended to figure out what I wanted, and as Ana thought out-loud about the menu. I should’ve listened, but it felt like people were looking at us. And I remembered a time where someone mentioned sushi, and I said something stupid. And then my mind whipped back to school, before whipping back to work. And then Ana was looking at me. She was saying something, but it didn’t parse.

“Sorry, what’d you say?” I asked, just as I realized what she said.

“I was asking what you were thinking about getting. You okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Just got distracted. I was thinking about the miso ramen.”

“Oh, nice. I was gonna get some sushi,” Ana said, and she rambled about different types of sushi that went right over my head. I heard words like ‘ebi’ or ‘maki’ which really just sailed right over my head. That was okay. It was easy enough to shrug and smile and agree when you didn’t have to think. When you couldn’t really think. And she was pretty cute when she rambled.

A waitress finally came over, and I looked expectantly at Ana, hoping she would go first. Instead, she was giving the waitress an odd look. I finally spoke up, mentioning my order for the ramen. Ana then finally made her order too.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Ana said, her eyes on the waitress as she walked away. “Uh, I’ll tell you later.”

The silence was a weight. It crushed at me. Ana seemed content to twirl at her hair and stare at the table. I finally took out my phone, hoping she wouldn’t mind. Wasn’t it rude to look at your phone on a date? I couldn’t just stare ahead, not here. Not now. I needed something to distract me.

Memes. An online friend of mine was a good source, and basically a meme herself. I scrolled mindlessly through her page, when one caught my eye.

“Hey, look at this,” I said to Ana, holding out my phone.

She looked at it, blinking. As she didn’t respond right away, images of her popped into my mind, of her hating it and hating me forever for daring to share her a stupid meme. Then she snorted, covered her mouth, and handed my phone back.

“Oh my god. I’ve literally done that.”

“What, say anal is good?”

“Uh.” Ana grabbed at her hair with two hands. “Well, something like that.”

“The English language is literally doomed,” I quipped.

“What was that?”

“Ah, nothing.”

Ana’s sushi arrived, and I watched as she poked a piece with her chopsticks. I turned back to my phone for a moment, and when I looked up the sushi was gone.

“I probably shouldn’t get more,” Ana said. And then I watched with amusement as she flagged down our waitress for another order.

It was only another meme or two before I got my ramen. I immediately stuck my chopsticks in, grabbing noodles and watching as they slipped off. I tried again, and they still slipped off. Before I could let out a noise of protest, I managed the third try, and I was able to slurp in the noodles. Except, of course, some of the broth splattered onto my glasses. I could easily imagine the laugh Tara would’ve made, as she called me an idiot, or incompetent, or whatever. For the crime of… and I derailed that thought process by tearing into the ramen.

At least the food was good despite my failure. The noodles were firm, the texture pleasant on the tongue. The chicken was a little chewy for my taste, so I tuned it out. The broth warmed the chill away. Honestly, I could’ve settled for drinking the broth. I mostly felt like having something warm go soothingly down my throat.

Before I even knew it, the bowl was empty, and I was past full. I stared at my phone without scrolling as the waitress came over and said some words. It was only as Ana set down her credit card for the check that I realized.

“Oh shoot, I forgot to ask them to split the check.” I ignored the guilty part of me that was happy to not have to pay.

Ana shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“... If you say so.”

The tightness around me clenched tighter as it was time to stand up and leave. I wanted nothing more than to run and hide in the bathroom, or to get out of this area in general. Ana was walking way too slowly, and I wanted badly to tell her to go faster.

Then Ana slowed even further, and leaned next to me. “Hey uh, I dunno if you noticed, but I’m mostly sure that that place is a front for ABB,” she whispered.

“I mean, you realize this is Brockton Bay, right? I try not to think about it too much.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good attitude,” Ana said slowly.

“That’s not… no. I mean, ugh, you probably know how they operate better than I do. Know what I mean?” I really hoped this wouldn’t be an argument. I didn’t think I had it in me.

“How they forcibly…?” Ana trailed off.

“Yeah. ‘sides, you seemed happy to eat that sushi.”

“W-well. I couldn’t let it go to waste after I ordered.”

“That’s why you ordered even more?”

“Let’s just, ah, not think about that. So what now?”

I glanced to the side. Shops I’d never been in, full of people I’d never want to talk to. “I don’t know. I’d actually like to go. Sorry.”

“It was your idea though?”

“Didn’t realize it’d… be so hard.”

“I’m confused. What’s hard about going to the boardwalk?”

“I… I uh… it’s just hard?”

“You just said that.”

“It’s hard! I just. Can’t!” Goddammit, why wouldn’t she listen?

And dammit. People were looking at us. I could feel their eyes.

“Alexis?”

My hands twitched. “Can we just go?”

Ana looked like she was going to say something, but she didn’t. It took too long to walk to wherever. I just focused on the steps, and knowing I was leaving. Then I saw her bike again.

“Did I do something wrong?” Ana asked.

“7. I think I’m a 7,” I said. Ana gave me a look that was probably questioning, so I added, “Out of 10. Anxiety. It’s _hard_.”

“Oh. Fuck. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

I took a deep breath and stretched my hands before I spoke. “I did. I told you it was hard.”

“Okay.” Ana handed me a helmet. “Alright. I… how can I help?”

“Uh. What?”

“How can I… I mean. Is there something I can do?”

“Umm. Maybe. Can we just have something low pressure, without other people, without much thinking involved?”

“Like cuddles?”

“Yeah. Let’s go do that.”

Ana leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “No problem.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira and Skyrunner! Sorry for dragging my butt on this for a month. :sob:


	12. Chapter 12

It took me far too long to realize something was going on. The posts I lazily scrolled through, the way the date tugged at my memories for some reason. February 14. It took me far too long to realize what a horrible, awful girlfriend I was.

It was the first time I’d been in a relationship in February! How could I have known? I’d been studying for that stupid test. Well, that is, if studying was the art of zoning out at my materials for two seconds before switching to mindlessly scrolling through social media.

It was noon. And it was thankfully not a day I had any classes. Thank heck for small favors. I could salvage this! It wasn’t the first time I’d procrastinated, even though _usually_ I knew I was doing so. Except I didn’t have the faintest idea of what to do. Chocolates and roses, right? But which were okay to use! And how would I even buy flowers! I’d never done so before, and doing something new with no notice or advanced thought was fucking terrifying.

It took me roughly five minutes to get ready to head out the door. And that was about five minutes too long. I headed for the kitchen to get a quick drink of water, and nearly collided with Sam in the process. Mal was standing by the microwave with a very amused look on her face.

“Oh, hi. Sorry,” I stammered out.

Sam blinked, gave me a wave, and walked passed me.

“In a hurry, Lexi?” Mal said. Something about her shirt seemed familiar, but I put it out of mind.

“I forgot it was Valentine’s day,” I said as I reached for a cup.

“Wow. Nice one.”

I filled my cup with water. “How do you even buy flowers? Is that what I’m even supposed to do? Fuck.”

“Uh Lexi? Slow down. Okay? Did you two make plans?”

I paused. “No. We never even talked about it.”

Mal sighed. “Jeez. You two, I swear. Why don’t you text her?”

I blinked. “Uh, because that sounds like a completely reasonable thing to do?”

“Glad I could be the voice of reason here.” Mal smirked.

“As opposed to the voice of sex and booze.”

“Hmmph.” Mal crossed her arms. “I do more than have sex and drink, you know. I smoke weed, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “Right, right. Sorry. Voice of sex, booze, and drug trafficking.”

“Okay girl, cut the banter. You gotta text your woman ASAP!”

“Dammit!” I pulled out my phone and sent off a quick text. I didn’t even allow myself to agonize over word choice. _“Umm hey. So I realized we never actually made plans for Valentine’s?”_

“Done.”

The microwave dinged. “Cool,” Mal said.

I took a deep breath. The ball was in Ana’s court for the moment. My eyes wandered to Mal’s shirt, and then I realized why it was so familiar. On it was a figure. Her costume, light purples and sparkling blues. A flowing skirt over leggings. A bright smile in stark contrast to the one time I met her in real life.

Mal lifted her shirt, shaking me from the image, and I looked up to glare at her. “Sorry,” Mal said, in a tone that clearly wasn’t apologetic. “You were looking so long that I figured that’s what you were after.”

“I was just looking at your shirt,” I grumbled. “Since when do you wear cape merch?”

“Oh, it’s one of Josh’s shirts. I bet he got it ‘cause the cape is cute. Uplift, I think? It’s a really warm shirt. Surprised you haven’t seen me wear it before.”

“I know who she is.” I said.

Mal gave me an odd look. “Hey, you okay? You got really… off all of a sudden.”

I looked away. “Sorry. It’s just that I’ve met her. At… you know, Pride last year.” This wasn’t exactly a topic I wanted to broach.

“Oh. Oh fuck.” I found myself wrapped in a hug. “Jesus. I’m sorry. You said you saw a cape after… what happened, but I didn’t know who. Shit. I’ll stop wearing it.”

“No, you’re fine.” I said. “I guess… I dunno, I was just thinking.”

Mal stepped back. “If it’s any consolation… I’ve heard that there’s a couple groups who’re willing to make the trip to protect next year’s pride since the Protectorate can’t be bothered.”

I felt my phone buzz. “Oh, hey, she responded.” Good way to just leave that conversation behind.

_“Lexi I’m so sorry! I didn’t think about it. But my boss is letting me go for today so if you wanna do something? If you want to.”_

I laughed.

“Oh hey, the geese are back,” Mal said.

“I do not sound like geese!” Another laugh. “Oh god I was freaking out, but it turned out she forgot too.”

“Amazing. You two are equally worthless for each other.”

I quickly sent off another text to say, in multiple words, _yes_. It wasn’t long before she responded, _“Great! Pick you up in about twenty minutes?”_

“Oh jeez,” I said before firing off an affirmation. “So I guess I’m being picked up? Still don’t know what the heck I’m doing though.”

“Hmm,” Mal said, even bringing her hand to her chin in a stereotypical pose. “How about this. Step one, go be gay. Step two, be even gayer. Step three... “

“Profit?”

Mal coughed. “Step three, be the gayest. I don’t have the slightest clue what you’re talking about.”

“Sure,” I said, long and drawn out. “You’ve been _so_ helpful.”

“Aww, but it’s my pleasure, my sincere and not sarcastic friend!”

Mal walked away with her bowl of… something, winking at me as she turned the corner. It then struck me on the reason I even went to the kitchen, so I downed a few cups of water. Hydrate before you diedrate and all that.

Having a short time frame like twenty minutes was worse than having an hour or having five minutes for something outside of a pattern. Five minutes you could whittle time away with really little things. An hour, and you could do something that took time. Twenty minutes? I could _maybe_ watch a random video or something, but I’d be stressing over accidentally missing the time point.

There wasn’t really anything else I could really do, though, so I mindlessly scrolled before finding a tool-assisted speedrun video. Samus Awakens in seven minutes? Sheesh. Just how much have they beaten this poor game into a pulp?

Ten minutes since her text. I started another video before growing bored. There was five minutes, so I scrolled through social media. Then my phone buzzed, and I took a look. I locked my computer, grabbed my purse, and ran for the door.

“Don’t forget the lube!” Mal helpfully announced as I shut the door behind me.

I ran down the steps slightly faster than what might be thought of as safe, and found Ana in the parking lot, leaning against her bike. She smiled the moment she saw me.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.” I smirked. “Come here often, cutie?”

Ana squeaked. “Ah. Heh… silly.”

I gave her a hug. She held me tighter than usual, as if afraid I’d drift away. Before I could worry, she stepped back and handed me a helmet. “What’s the plan?” I asked, instead of giving voice to my overclocked worry brain.

“I’m not sure?” Ana said, reaching with her hand towards her head, only to smack against her helmet. She frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“I mean… fuck.” I tapped the ground with a foot. “To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m doing.”

“The one time I had a date on Valentine’s Day, I brought flowers and chocolate,” Ana said quietly. She looked away. “And… did what was expected of a cishet dude.”

“I don’t know how to buy flowers,” I said. Then I covered my face. “Oh god that sounds so dumb, doesn’t it?”

Ana giggled. “It’s fine. I’m just glad I’m not the only one who’s clueless about what to do. Why don’t we just grab lunch and figure it out from there?”

“Sounds good.” I put on the helmet.

“Oh, crap, right. Is your anxiety okay today?”

I paused. It took me a moment to process what she said. “I’m about a… three or four, I think?” My eyes were threatening to tear up. “You remembered.”

“Of course I did! I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before.”

“There isn’t always something to see.” I gave her another hug. “It means a lot to me to hear that, though.”

Ana smiled. “I’m glad.”

“Maybe avoid someplace crowded anyway? Umm, if that’s okay. If not—”

“Of course it’s okay.” Ana hopped on. “We’ll figure something out.”

I hopped on behind Ana, hugging her tightly.

“Any particular preference?” Ana asked.

“Ah, just nothing Mexican? Not that there’s a ton around here anyway.” I didn’t need the indigestion right now.

“Hah, don’t diss Mexican food in front of my mom if you meet her. I swear, she eats carnitas every Saturday.”

Ana started the engine, the soft rumble purring beneath me. We set off, the dingy background and naked trees flying beside us. We rode in silence for a while, heading down roads and searching for a good place. My thoughts rested for a while. I closed my eyes, breathed in her scent, and felt the comfort of her presence. It was a moment I could live in for a long while.

Ten or so turns in, and it struck me that we probably could’ve searched online. Though maybe Ana just did things differently, so I kept silent. A few lights later, and cracked roads were replaced by ones that were probably repaved in the last two years.

A few turns later, and Ana parked on the side of the road. There was very little trash over here. I spotted a couple police cars nearby. Some of the people walking around wore more business casual type clothing, and some of the women were in heels.

“Hmm. That place over there looks nice enough. Not too nice that we’d need a reservation or, ah, nicer clothes,” Ana said.

I turned my head to where she was looking. Despite what she said, it still looked a little stuffy. It wasn’t too crowded, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t dressed enough. Ana was dressed roughly the same as I was, so maybe it was okay. Hopefully. As long as it wasn’t expensive.

“Sure? Umm, god, I hate to say this, but I don’t think I wanna spend more than fifteen dollars or so.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be my treat.”

“But…” Brain oh so helpfully noted that I could just stay quiet and take the offer. “You’ve paid for my share so much already.”

“Honestly, it’s fine. My job pays well enough, even if my mom didn’t insist on sending me money every month. I swear, it’s like she thinks I’m poor just because I’m only making about one-fifty or so thousand a year.”

“Wha—” I looked at her face as she fed the parking meter. “Umm. What?” One-fifty. Or so? Or so! If that meant a thousand less or more, that wasn’t ‘or so’! That was a big deal!

Ana gave me a concerning look. “Is there something wrong?”

Right, Lexi. It’s okay, you only discovered the difference in social class. “No?” I thought about the cavalier comments she made before about money. It really should’ve been obvious. “I’m just… uh. I don’t know what to say.”

Ana fidgeted with her hand. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No! I just. I guess I just didn’t think you were…” I twirled my hand. “Rich? I feel kinda awkward now.” It was already awkward that I was a college student dating a woman who already had a full-fledged career.

“Why would you feel awkward?” Ana asked, her voice a little strained.

How do I do words? “I dunno I just… I mean, I’m kinda somewhat a little poor. Not, like, super poor, I mean I pay living expenses and have treats, so it’s not really all that bad. I’m even going to college! Ignoring that I got super lucky there. Not the kind of poor you might hear of? Umm, I’m starting to ramble. I’ll stop. Sorry.”

Ana took off her helmet and looked at it. Her eyes darted, as if tracing an invisible drawing. “I mean. If anything I feel awkward. To be honest, it was only at 17 that I figured out that people didn’t choose to be poor. How dumb is that?”

I took off my own helmet. “I’m not gonna pretend I’m the paragon of being woke myself. Considering I didn’t even realize you were rich until now, I think you’re doing pretty alright.”

“Okay,” Ana said, She looked up and gave me a smile. “Let me know if I’m being dumb or something, okay? Just at least let me pay for meals. You can always pay for my meals when you’re done with college if you want.”

“I mean.” Practical brain won this time. I sighed. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Now let’s go. I’m starving.”

I followed her over to the restaurant, trying not to let the little worries about our money differences bug me. It didn’t work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to neersighted and keira for looking over!


	13. Chapter 13

My first thought was that I was wrong. It wasn’t terribly stuffy. Just ignore the looks people gave us before turning back to their tables. There were kids in casual kid clothes there! Right next to a pair of men in suits. Okay, that was an odd juxtaposition. Ana poked my shoulder.

“You okay?” she whispered.

I took a step back to behind her. “Yeah. I’m fine. I was just looking around.”

It wasn’t a loud place, but it wasn’t disturbingly quiet either. Conversations were held at a sane level. The kids were well behaved and not screeching. The restaurant was almost homely, with comfy looking red chairs and faux-wood tables. At least, I assumed it was faux wood. For all I knew, it could be real. There were hot sauces and ketchup on the tables, further distancing the place from being all stuffy and terrifying.

I took a deep breath. “It looks nice.”

“Yeah.”

The hostess finally arrived with her small talk and seating arrangements. She remarked on how we caught this place at a good time, and left us with menus. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. The menu had the name: Mary’s Bistro. If I’d paid attention when we walked in, I wouldn’t have had to worry so much. Bistros were always meant to be cozy. Or, at least I thought they were.

I looked up at Ana. She was glancing at me too, and our eyes met. I wasn’t sure, if it was something in her expression or whatnot, but it felt like she was worried.

“You okay?” I asked.

Ana blinked. “Uh, I was just thinking about what to eat.”

“Okay. Sorry, just thought I’d ask.”

The waitress came over before I could get a good look at the menu, asking for drinks. I just wanted water, and Ana ordered a diet coke. She rambled off about her soup of the day and some kind of pasta that I tuned out. I looked back at the menu, and didn’t even see her walk off.

Seafood was gross when cooked, so that was out. Pasta… not in the mood. Chicken dish serving mashed potatoes on the side? Sure, why not.

“I think I know what I want,” I said, looking back up at Ana. She was glancing at me again, with that same off-air about her.

“That’s good. I just… need a bit more time,” Ana said. Then she brightened, and the off-air was partially dissipated. “Hey, I was doing a bunch of sketches over the past week. Wanna see the scans?”

“Yeah!”

She passed me her phone, and I scrolled through. They all had the same pair of guys. One sketch had the two chilling in a hot tub, only a foot apart. Another had them walking on what looked like a sidewalk, arms linked. Or at a park. Or on a couch.

“Someone asked for a commission, and were really really vague. Even when I asked for details, they were all unsure. So I just sketched a few scenes. Maybe I went overboard, but it’s not often someone asks for gay boys, so I got a little excited.”

The waitress came back with her drinks, and Ana said she was ready to order. I gave the waitress my order, and Ana asked for for clam chowder.

“The sketches are cute,” I said once the waitress was gone. “Very gay.”

“Yeah,” Ana smiled. “I just hope their writing doesn’t waffle as much. Sometimes I like to see what someone’s commissioning for, though, heh, it’s a bit of a toss up.”

I nodded. “Too many stories are just so… tropy. Not that there’s something wrong with tropes, if they’re not overused. Or it’s just obnoxious. Or really confusing. Or… gross. Or plot and characters take a backseat to power wank.”

Ana scrunched up her expression. “I’ve gotten creeps. One wanted me to—” She glanced at the table nearby. “—do something inappropriate for lunch conversation.”

“Uh huh.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to imagine what they tried to commision. If I remembered, I’d still ask her later. Curiosity and cats, and all that.

“He tried to tell me that he’d put me out of business if I refused.” Ana rolled her eyes. “Said I’d be homeless next month. So I told him about the time I punched a man who tried to grab me. In gruesome detail.”

“Nice,” I said. Don’t piss her off ever, my subconscious said.

“I mean, it wasn’t the only time. Just the most memorable.”

“Do you… often get almost grabbed?” I asked. God, that was awkwardly phrased.

“Eh. Not exactly. But I’ve been on a lot of patrols. Most of them are boring, but…” Ana’s expression fell. “I’d rather not go into detail if that’s okay. When I’m off work, I want to be off work. If that makes sense.”

“It does.”

The conversation fizzled with that. Ana’s off… maybe worried air was back, and all I could do was sit there and worry. Did something happen at work? Or did I do something? Maybe… what if she found out what I did for a living? But no, I wasn’t sure if that would fit. Or maybe it did. I hadn’t known Ana long enough to really figure her out.

I downed half the glass of water as I drank in my worries. Maybe she was moving away, and we’d have to go long distance. Or maybe there’d been a death? Or what if she was dying! God, now I was picturing it. Me, at her side in a hospital bed. Keeping tears away as she—

A plate was set down in front of me. I blinked. The chicken breast smelled lovely. The mashed potatoes beckoned me. Even the peas looked nice, glazed with what was probably butter. I stuck my fork in the potatoes and took a bite. It was hot, almost enough to burn my mouth. The heat added to the texture of the potatoes, making it flow almost smoothly in my mouth. It took a moment for me to taste with the heat, but when I did it was rich and buttery. I stuck a spoon in the gravy to sample it. Salty, silky.

“Hey, Lexi?” Ana asked. She was idly swirling a spoon in her soup, giving me that worrying look.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Just… nevermind, I’m being dumb. Sorry.” Ana looked down at her soup.

“Hey.” I set my hand on top of hers. “Trust me, you’re not.”

“I’m just afraid,” she said softly. “I can’t get the thought out of my head.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I took a bite of mashed potatoes as I waited for her response. They were okay.

“I… I shouldn’t mess Valentine’s Day up with my crap.”

I took a bite of peas to help formulate a thought, smashing them between my tongue and palate into paste.

“I care about you more than I care about some dumb holiday.” Oh, shit. Wait. Maybe that sounded too forward.

Ana made a high pitched sound from her throat. I wasn’t sure if her face was redder, or if I was just imagining things. I couldn’t help but smile; it was a cute sound.

“Later, then. I wanna eat first.”

“Fair,” I conceded.

We settled into silence. Not the tense, worrying silence of before. It was more comfortable, even if I was consumed with curiosity and worry. I scarfed the food down without being impolite. My mind was swarming with daydreams about the possibilities. Crazy mission happening soon? Again with dying from something else? What or who could she possibly be afraid of?

The food was gone before I knew it. Ana was idly scrolling through her phone. Rather than continue to stew in endlessly repeating and useless thoughts, I scrolled through my own, tuning out the background. Tuning out Ana signing the check and getting her card back. I was ready to go out the moment she did.

“Shall we?” I asked.

“Yeah. Sure.”

We headed out the door. The hostess called out to have a nice day, and I managed to smile and wish her the same.

“So… where to?” I asked.

Ana’s phone responded with its chirpy tune. “Oh god,” she said right as she swiped. “Hello, mother. ... I’m doing fine, thank you. ... Oh? ... Oh. ... Uh. I’m sorta in the middle of something. ... No, I’m not at work. I’m with someone. … Ye-yes, it’s a date. ... Yes, thank you mother. Please go on and talk about how I haven’t dated in years. … Seriously?” Ana sighed. “One condition. No talking about work, for either of us. … Okay, see you then.”

I blinked. “I’m… meeting your mom?”

Ana made a very forced smile. “Yeah! I am so, so sorry. We’ll just be getting coffee. It’ll be quick! It better be quick!” Her voice sounded more strained with each word.

“For some reason, I feel like I should be panicking right now.” I wasn’t panicking in the slightest. Why wasn’t I? That was so weird!

“You’ll be fine! Just… be yourself. If she has a problem with that, I am perfectly fine with walking out.” Ana started walking back to her bike. “Let’s just get through this.”

“I’m sorry to ask this, but are your parents not supportive or something?”

“They are.” Ana sighed. “Mostly. They’re just a lot to handle sometimes. And my mom isn’t as formal as my dad, so she’s easier to deal with.”

“Sounds like it should be fine, then?”

“Yeah,” Ana smiled. It didn’t feel quite genuine. “Sorry. Maybe I’m a bit stressed.”

Her hand found mine, and squeezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira for looking over this!


	14. Chapter 14

I wasn’t too sure what to expect when we walked into the cafe. It was difficult to see through the crowd of people sitting or waiting in line. No one seemed really out of place. No one screamed ‘rich lady’ to me. Of course, neither did Ana, so maybe my idea was just skewed. She was scanning the room briefly, before making a beeline towards a table. There was a woman, giving us a glance and standing up at our approach.

“Ah, there you are,” the woman said, fixing me with an uncomfortable stare. She was smiling, by appearances she was friendly, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what she was thinking, looking at her daughter’s girlfriend.

“Alexis, this is Hannah Shaffer, my mother. Mother, this is Alexis Voyoles, the woman I mentioned.”

“Huh. You’re still dating women even after...?” Hannah asked. Uh oh.

“Yes? Is that an issue?”

“No. For some reason I thought you’d be dating men now. Just goes to show this old lady is still behind the times.” She winked. What in the heck?

Ana’s mom was nothing like I expected. She was dressed immaculate, but not over the top, blending in with any other person going for coffee. She wore a simple watch. Her short-cropped hair was starting to gray. The most striking feature was how tall she was. Just barely shorter than Ana herself.

“Pardon my manners, Alexis. It is wonderful to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” I said, automatically.

“Now please, let’s not talk standing up with nothing to drink. Ana, you remember my usual, yes? I’ll hold down the table. God only knows how quickly we’d lose it if I left to order for myself.”

“Sure,” Ana said.

We joined the line, left to stand by ourselves. Thankfully, it was moving fairly quickly. Hopefully no one in front of us was one of those people who decided that they had to go into excruciating detail about how a barista should prepare a cup of damn coffee.

“Well, this is awkward,” I said.

“What? Sorry, it’s really loud,” Ana said.

“I said it’s a tad awkward.”

“Yeah… sorry about that.”

At least I’d have a mocha latte to sip at during the conversation. I tapped my foot every few seconds, zoning out into Ana’s back as we waited. No particular thoughts, just wearing a blanket of stirring feelings, made from too many fabrics to discern anything. It was finally Ana’s turn, and I listened as she ordered a simple mocha latte.

“And one more thing. A large iced vanilla latte using whatever zero calorie sweetener you have on hand, but with just a spoonful of sugar. Oh, with soy milk. Please.”

I stifled a laugh. “Decaf Mocha with whipped cream,” I said by habit, so I didn’t have to think about it.

More standing around and zoning out. The drone of communication was white noise, and I felt like I could rest my eyes for a time. I did just that, leaning into Ana until I felt her poke my face. She was grabbing her drinks, and it wasn’t much longer until I could grab mine.

“Wasn’t too bad,” Hannah said the moment we made it to her table. “This place is pretty efficient.”

“Here you are,” Ana said, handing her mom her cup.

She took a sip and hummed. “I think I’ll go here again if I ever have another business meeting in Brockton Bay.”

Ana glanced at me and back at her mom. I sipped at my mocha. It was too sweet.

“So, Alexis. Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself?” Hannah said.

I blinked. “Uhh…”

“Don’t be shy, dear. Speak up.”

I tensed. The looming pressure clenched at my throat, and my brain was overloaded by ‘say this’ and ‘but what if’ and ‘can I even say that?’ and other ‘say this’ and I clenched my hand, took a sip of my mocha, and tried to take a breath even though that didn’t work.

“Don’t push her too much, mother,” Ana said. “She got like two hours of sleep last night while studying.”

I blinked. A lie, but it allowed me to take a moment to breathe and drink.

“So you’re a student, Alexis?”

A simple yes or no question. Easier to answer. “Yes, ma’am.”

“University student, I’d hope.” Hannah smiled wryly.

My face scrunched. “It’s been about five years since highschool. Ma’am. I’m studying Computer Science.”

Hannah nodded. “A respectable field. I know dozens of fine men and women who’ve taken all sorts of careers through it.”

“Yeah. That’s a thing,” I said lamely.

Hannah turned to Ana. “How long have you two been seeing each other?”

“About a month and a half now, I think?”

Hannah sighed. “I wished you talked to me more about your life. I would’ve loved to hear about this sooner.”

“I’ve been busy,” Ana said, with a small hint of irritation. Or anger? “With work.”

“I’m just a quick dial away, dear. It doesn’t take long to update me.”

“Maybe I don’t want to?” Ana muttered, just loud enough for me to hear. Judging by her mom’s grimace, she heard it too.

Hannah covered her grimace with a smile that I wouldn’t have seen through had I not just witnessed the past few seconds. “So, Alexis. Where are you from?”

“Georgia, ma’am, though I grew up in California.”

“Please, enough with the ma’am. I feel old enough with these bones.”

“Okay.”

“California would be much better for tech than this shriveled up husk of a city. What brought you here?”

“Stupid decision by younger me,” I said, before I could even consider lying.

Hannah laughed and raised her cup. “To dumb decisions by a younger us.”

“Uh, sure.” I raised my own cup and clicked it to hers, if only so I didn’t leave her awkwardly holding it up.

A ringtone sang from where Hannah sat. One of those generic ones I’d heard so many times that it sang in my dreams. She pulled it out. “Sorry dears, but I have a meeting to attend.” She stood up and walked over to Ana. “May your mother have a hug?”

Ana took another sip of her mocha and let it down slowly. “Sure,” she said in a small voice.

Their hug was awkward. I couldn’t help but notice how different Ana seemed than when she hugged me. Rigged. Tense. Just what happened between them? Ana’s mom appeared nice enough, aside from… everything, but appearances were deceiving.

I turned to Ana while her mother walked away. She was staring off, as if her mind was walking off in the opposite direction. I gave her a hug, but she was still stiff. My heart felt heavy. We split before too long. It was still a busy place after all.

“We should probably go,” I said.

“Yeah. Please.”

Ana quickly lead the way out of the cafe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Keira for looking over this!


	15. Chapter 15

Ana walked quickly enough to almost be considered a jog, even if the motions weren’t quite the same. I had to run to keep up with her longer legs. She didn’t walk to her bike, but instead to a nearby park. There were couples around, walking slowly with hands intertwined. The park was a magnet for lovers including us, apparently, however distressed.

I followed her amongst the naked trees, past couples who didn’t spare us a single glance. Ana did not slow down; if anything, she sped up. Then she stopped abruptly and plopped into a bench. I sat next to her. Close, but leaving some distance. I was feeling that distance right now, as if we were on opposite sides of a quarantine, even if I could physically poke her nose.

Ana didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything. We just sat, and we watched people pass. I started to shiver. She still didn’t say anything. I pulled out my phone, and scrolled past the same feeds over and over. She still didn’t say anything. The silence in this moment was maddening. I wanted to know what was going on in her head.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I finally asked.

“I probably should,” Ana said. “Probably something you’d need to know.”

“Okay.”

“But I don’t really want to.”

“That’s fine too.”

Except it wasn’t fine, sitting in more silence. I wanted to know what was going on. Maybe it was a bit selfish of me, but I couldn’t stand sitting here, not knowing what was going on. Being utterly helpless, and completely useless. I wanted to at least hold her, but when I reached out, she flinched.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with my mom,” Ana said. “Should’ve known she’d grill you like that.”

“I dunno if I’d call that grilling?”

“Only because she didn’t have time. She wants to know everything. Even things that she really doesn’t need to know. Did you know she read my diary, once?”

“That’s horrible,” I said. A fleeting thought spun around in my head, about my own parents. I wished they wanted to know more than just through the token questions. I took that web and tore it apart. This moment wasn’t about me.

“And she’s so goddamn impatient. Didn’t wanna wait for me to figure shit out. She figured she’d just push me along a path that I couldn’t turn back from, just because I had the audacity to not know what I wanted to do yet.”

I kept silent, waiting for her to continue, but she didn’t. I watched a pair walk past us.

“I’m sorry,” Ana said.

I couldn’t stop myself from scooting closer and giving her a side hug. She didn’t react. “No reason to be,” I said. Even if I didn’t understand. I wanted to prod her for details, but that was my selfish curiosity talking. And after what she said about her mom, that was the last thing I wanted to embody.

Ana laughed. It wasn’t a happy one. “Let’s talk about something else. Literally anything else.”

And then the pressure was on me to bring something up. My brain reached for strings of conversation and kept coming up short. And then something from earlier came to mind, and I blurted it out.

“I heard they’re gonna bring in outside capes for Pride this year,” I said. A cold shudder rippled through me. Why did I say that? I could’ve said literally anything else.

“Oh.” Ana said. I leaned back. “Fuck. They don’t have to do that.”

“What, so the Protectorate is gonna do its job this time?” I said, letting way too much bitter bleed into my voice. Dammit, this was not the time!

“You don’t know anything,” Ana said. She was looking at me now.

I shrank back. “Maybe. The only thing I know for sure was that they left when they were needed, and didn’t come back until it was too late.”

Ana looked away. I continued, “I was there.”

“Oh,” Ana said. “I’m sorry.”

Great job, Alexis. Just let out that bombshell. “It’s not your fault. It’s not like you’re the Protectorate.”

“Yeah,” Ana let out a short laugh. “That’d be really funny, wouldn’t it?”

“There’s nothing funny about this.”

She looked at me. I still couldn’t parse her expression. God what I’d do to know what she was thinking. “You should leave this city.”

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“Alexis, every day the PRT and Protectorate sells the lie that they are in control here. It’s only getting worse every year. The attack on Pride happened because the Empire had the manpower to both distract us and attack. And that’s just one gang.”

“I can’t just walk away. There’s school, and moving is a pipedream anyway.”

Ana grabbed her hair and took a deep breath. “I have money.”

“Ana.” I sighed. “What’s going on? Just… talk to me. Straight, this time. I wanna know what’s going on. I’m your girlfriend for heck’s sake.”

She brought a knee to her chest and hugged it. “Today’s just been hard, okay?” Her voice was shaky. “I woke up and checked the news. Turned out another trans woman was killed, right here in Brockton Bay. Did you know last year there were five reported murders of trans women in this city alone? Reported.”

“Ana…” I reached out to her, set my hand on her shoulder. “Kinda shitty to bring this up, but I’m white, and I pass. My privilege and a healthy dose of paranoia keeps me plenty safe. At least, as much as anyone can be.”

“You’re really determined, huh?”

“More like stubborn,” I admitted.

“At least promise me you won’t go to Pride this year.”

I opened my mouth and closed it. A couple passed close, and I waited for them to walk further away before opening my mouth again. “I can’t.”

Ana looked at me again. “Why not?”

I pulled my hand back. “Because I can’t.”

“That’s not an answer.”

I shrank back. “I might not. I’m not sure.” Goodbye confidence, I hardly ever knew you.

“You don’t understand.”

I grabbed my shaky hand. “I’m not stupid. No matter how many people think so.”

Ana rubbed at her eyes. “I never said you were.”

“I already told you I was there.” I said. And I knew I’d have to spill it out before I shrank back and covered my real words with ones that would get me through this conversation easier. “Elle was one of my best friends. She got hurt, and I tried to drag her out, but I wasn’t strong. She died on the fucking sidewalk. And only then did I see a damn hero. Uplift. She leapt down. And you know what she said?”

Ana’s eyes were wide. I shut my own, and continued. “She said she was sorry. As if that made things better.”

“Alexis… I…”

I opened my eyes, but I turned away. “You know what? None of this would’ve happened if capes didn’t fucking exist in the first place. I’m already small and pathetic. And I know many who feel the same. And then there are capes who step on us like bugs, and make it all worse. Just… fuck everything.”

I dug my nails into my arm. It hurt, left marks, and it didn’t really help. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to rant. I’m just…” It just boiled over. It just spilled out. “Hell of a day to yell about that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me. God.”

Then I turned, and Ana wasn’t there.

My phone buzzed. I had a text.

“ _I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do this anymore.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. Lots has happened since I posted the last chapter. Mental health crisis, leaving job, resting and doing things, finally finding a new job after months...  
> This story is already written. I just gotta edit the rest :V


	16. Chapter 16

I would never remember how I got home. That memory just did not exist. My limbs moved automatically, my brain working out a path. No one was home. That was good. I didn’t think I was capable of talking. I just found my way to my bed and laid down.

And then I cried. Audible sobs. My pillow damp beneath my face. And then my nose cried too, and I sniffed, and it kept crying anyway, and I kept sniffing until finally I yelled out and grabbed a tissue. It helped for a minute before my nose cried again.

There was a show I’d been meaning to watch. I didn’t feel like it, but then I didn’t feel like anything. It would be a good distraction until I could sleep. And then I did.

The next day was a haze. I had to go to classes. There were lectures I didn’t pay attention to. There was a test I probably didn’t get an A in, and that really irritated me. And then I hid in the bathroom for a while, and I hoped no one would hear me.

I didn’t go to the cafe. I went straight home and binged more of that show. At least I could hide myself in it and laugh a little.

The second day was pretty much the same, minus the test. The show was a little funnier.

The third day was a little clearer. I found Mal in the kitchen, and she gave me a hug without any words.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I blinked. “She broke up with me.”

“Oh.”

“Nothing much to say.”

“I’m sorry. And hey, if you need a rebound, well.” Mal let out a short, quiet laugh. I didn’t react. “I’m sorry. I thought I’d make a joke. Well, it doesn’t have to be a joke. Umm. What I mean is I’m here for you, okay?”

“I think I just need a hug.”

I got a lot of hugs that day.

And the fourth day too.

I was woken up on the fifth day by the blaring, alarm-esque noise from my phone. There was a siren blasting through the city, too. The short, almost hopping one that signaled there was an Endbringer attack, just not in this city. I shut off the alert on my phone and tried to tune out the siren. At least it didn’t last long. My pounding heart refused to settle for a while.

It struck me just how gross I felt. I hadn’t showered at all, and I knew that wasn’t making me feel any better. It was almost cathartic, throwing off everything and heading to the bathroom with my towel. The steaming water hit me, washing down my emotions along with the ickiness.

I didn’t know what I did. If it was my blowing up, or if it was something else entirely. There was a part of me that wanted to reach out. Ana was hurting, and goddammit I still cared. Of course I did, but she made her choice. She threw me away.

I scrubbed my body, maybe a little harder than I really needed to. The days behind me were such a haze. It was stupid. We knew each other for less than two months. Sure, I really liked her. And that maybe I started to fall for her. But I could still see a future in my head where I wasn’t wallowing in shitty feelings. Barring natural disaster and all that. Ignoring if there’d even be a society. I’d just move on, just as soon as my stupid feelings would catch up.

Going back to class was easier this time. Things were a little more clear. There were even notes on my pages. And I didn’t skip going to the library, and I did my damn work. It was still a blur, but it was a more productive blur. I even finished all the work I needed to do the next day, and the donations were twice what I’d normally earn in a day.

I woke up on the seventh day feeling okay. I only laid in bed for half an hour, and I was standing in front of the stove watching a vege sausage patty and an egg sizzle on the pan. It tasted better than a ramen or cereal breakfast for sure. The questions still hang over my head. What did I do wrong? Or was it something else? Shit, she had other things going on. I might never know why. And that wasn’t okay, but I’d make that okay one productive step at a time. It felt like my funk was finally lifting.

Having the day off at school felt relieving after several days of forcing myself through class, schoolwork, and doing sexy stuff at a time when it felt exceptionally gross. With the earnings from yesterday, I could even get something nice without feeling too bad about it.

With headphones drowning out all the noise, a coffee ice cream plus oreo chunks, and a trip to stock up on groceries, I even smiled. Using the momentum acquired throughout the day, I cooked something resembling thai yellow curry instead of eating the pizza that my roommates ordered.

A knock at the door interrupted my dinner. I hesitated, and the knocks kept coming. Sighing, I headed over to see what this was about. Josh probably ordered another package.

I looked through the peephole. Ana was standing there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this comes across more as 'yeah this week was an emotional haze for her' rather than me rushing through a week. :V


End file.
